The Porkus Malorkus is a legendary sword that is able to easily strike down evil. However those deemed 'unworthy' are turned into a pig when the touch the weapon. The hilt of the weapon is the malorkus, while the blade is referred to as the porkus. However the sword has a secondary aspect too, the Sporkus Malorkus. The hilt can extend a spork at its opposite end. This spork, however, when extended will cause the weapon to self-destruct in five minutes.



The hilt is ornately decorated, while the blade is thin and sharp and lightly glows in the right light. From the opposite end of the hilt would extend the spork.

Function & Powers

Porkus Malorkus

The Porkus Malorkus has the power to destroy evil. However the sword can only be wielded by those worthy. If someone unworthy touches the sword then they would be turned into a pig. In gaming context, an exploit may apply with character classes[Ext Ref 1] trying to use the sword when they are not fit to wield swords; thereby turning them into pigs also.

Sporkus Malorkus

The Sporkus Malorkus is the spork extension that protrudes from the opposite end. This spork will only extend when the SPORK patch[Ext Ref 2] is applied. However, activating the spork will also activate the self-destruct sequence of the sword and will result in a massive explosion, capable of levelling an entire building.



Main article: Totallyevil (Story Arc)

The Porkus Malorkus was originally contained within a fortress that had been designed by Semievil in a computer game. It was contained within a case and spotlighted in a single room. The NeS Heroes had decided that they needed to find the weapon in order to defeat Totallyevil and were told of the sword's existence by Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing, a druid from the redwood forest in the United States of America.

However the heroes had applied the SPORK patch when they entered the fortress, which allowed them to get through the obstacles therein. When they applied the SPORK patch the malorkus activated its spork extension and its self-destruct. Krig the Viking used his waraxe to smash the walls of the fortress down and the heroes had to leap to escape the explosion. When the dust settled, however, they found the malorkus in tact, the hilt of the weapon. Semievil then crafted a new blade, the porkus, using Krig's waraxe and a holy hand grenade[Ext Ref 3] from Gebohq. He put the two objects into a box and pulled the pin on the grenade. The resulting explosion therein created the porkus. Semievil cast an enchantment to connect the porkus to the malorkus and thus MaybeChild was permitted to wield the Porkus Malorkus. She had to hold it with lace around the hilt so that she wouldn't be turned into a pig. This would happen due to an exploit in the sword's rules. A cleric[Ext Ref 4], which Maybe was at the time, is only able to wield blunt weapons. When there was only the hilt, Gebohq had managed to turn himself into a pig because he was a paladin[Ext Ref 5] and paladin's are only able to use slash weapons.


External References

  1. Character Class (Dungeons & Dragons) article, Wikipedia.
  2. Patch (computing) article, Wikipedia.
  3. Rabbit of Caerbannog article, Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch section, Wikipedia.
  4. Cleric article, D&D Wiki.
  5. Paladin article, D&D Wiki.
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