Pan Post 73 continues from Pan Post 72 with King Arthur's parade of victory through the street of the G-Krypton City on Saturn. Having battled the G-Kryptons he now declares himself the owner of the city. When, however, the Kryptons proved that they couldn't understand taxation, as they have no money, nor proper tribute and were unable to construct the lavish castles and churches that Arthur desired, the king decides to vacate this new land and continue on towards colonisation. When Omega Wier and Flannel Bags, Custodians, reported that the entire war had been a ruse orchestrated by the X-Krypton Custodian Gamma Pans, Arthur summons the closest knights to hunt down the betrayer. Prince Mordred and Sir Tristram, who had been practising with the newly invented beam-bow, join Arthur's quest and they ride for the X-Krypton City only to discover Pans has already fled.


Space Camelot: Alien Designs

Characters: King Arthur | Queen Guinevere | Sir Lancelot | Sir Bedivere | Sir Kay | Prince Mordred | Sir Galahad | (Sir) The Black Knight | (Sir) The Faerie Knight | Tom a'LincolnMorganna le Fay | Merlin the Younger | Andy | Admiral Ltexi | Gamma Pans | Omega Wier | Sir Tristram | Flannel Bags

Several young boys and girls, clad in the clothing of squires, stand in two lines blowing victory trumpets. The Knights of the Round Table pass through the aisle of children. Usually there's confetti or flowers but the Kryptons didn't even have such things to toss. Gamma Pans had suggested water could be thrown but Arthur ultimately decided that being drowned in water was not a good way to end a battle.

With the Knights are the two X-Krypton Custodians, Gamma Pans and Omega Wier, looking quite out of sorts. When they had won battles in the past they usually got straight to sorting out the spoils of battle and how they'd be used to improve their own city.

Arthur rides at the head of the procession alongside Sir Kay and Sir Tristram. Kay sits confidently astride his grey horse, which is coloured almost entirely white, and wears a broad grin. Conquering aliens apparently sits well with him. Sir Tristram, on the other hand, sits solemn and quiet as always. The Saracen isn't wearing the usual tabard that many knights wear. Instead he has his usual leather armour and swept around his neck is a very heavy cloak. On the cloak is his sigil - one he devised for himself, a bow and arrow silhouette of yellow against the black of the cloak. His hair is fairly unkempt but he has taken to braiding portions of it in the style of pagans in Britain. Despite his dark skin, dark hair and features of the Middle-East, Sir Tristram has shocking blue eyes. When asked about his blue eyes he only vaguely alludes to a point of Russian ancestry in his genes and a claim to ancient royal lineage.

As they reach the end of the procession they dismount and hand reins of their horses to squires. The squires are pretty befuddled at that point because there aren't any stables on Saturn. Instead the poor horses get tethered up inside some poor sod's house. At least he's no longer around to see his house being invaded by these monstrous Earth beasts since he was skewered during the battle by a very pointy lance.

Arthur is led to the building that the city's Custodians use and, after uncomfortably waggling his arms at the lack of walls, he enters the building with his two knights on either side. They are offered seats by the remaining Custodian survivor for the G-Kryptons. The Custodian is a female Krypton - the only hint of that being her enormous breasts that, despite their size, are very unappealing to the human males - who sits and stares with bewilderment. Apparently she hadn't received the memo about alien invaders.

King Arthur: "All your base ar--"

Sir Kay: "I don't think she understands English, Arthur."

King Arthur: "Oi, we're not at a round table meeting. It's Sire."

Sir Kay groans petulantly but relents.

Sir Kay: "My deepest apologies, oh Sire."

King Arthur: "Bette--"

Sir Kay: "My liege. My lord. My master. My ruler. My captain. My king. My-- ow!"

Arthur smacks his half-brother across the back of the helmet with a clatter of his gauntlet against the metal helm. Gamma Pans and Omega Wier finally enter the room and Gamma appears somewhat relieved to find the foreigners hadn't done anything crazy. The G-Krypton Custodian jumps to her feet and snarls at the conquering tribe. After an exchange that the humans can't understand Omega Wier leaves the room while Gamma turns to Arthur.

Gamma: "The traitors are defeated. Thanks to you, King Arthur of Earth, our victory was easily won. What can we do to repay you?"

Arthur gives Gamma Pans a smirk. It appear quite innocent but it's well-practised and probably the closest to a 'convincing lie' he's ever managed. He doesn't, however, lie at all.

King Arthur: "All your base are belong to us!"


Several days later...

King Arthur: "Just give this place back! GRAH!"

He stomps from one room to the next. He had put up paper walls to, at least, create the illusion of personal space in a civilisation where everyone could see into your house.

He then stomps back into the room and waggles an accusing finger at Sir Bedivere.

King Arthur: "This is all your fault, you know?"

Sir Bedivere blinks behind his spectacles.

Sir Bedivere: "Erm...?"

Arthur proceeds to alter his own voice in an exaggerated mock tone of Sir Bedivere.

King Arthur: "Oh, I'm Sir Bedivere and I'd like to study their technology. Let's conquer the land and look at the stupid, shiny swords."

The conquest, and subsequent attempted rule, of the G-Kryptons hadn't gone according to the usual scheme of things back on Earth. His first course of action was to tax the people - except they didn't have money on Saturn. He tried to get them to submit useful objects or goods to the crown as tax instead, and wound up collecting an assortment of buckets, crayons and weird cat-like animals that smelt vaguely of old socks. He was, at least, determined to get a castle. But since none of the people spoke English and the concept of a castle was entirely alien to them, the building he wound up with looked more like a tall cardboard box with little oval windows made of blue paper.

Sir Bedivere: "So you want to vacate the city, Sire?"

King Arthur: "Absolutely! I don't know why you convinced me to conquer this place anyway! I'm supposed to be colonising somewhere nice! Not a smelly rock filled with ugly alien people."

Bedivere decides not to remind Arthur that it was actually his idea and not Bedivere's. Instead he nods in complete agreement.

Sir Bedivere: "Yes Sire, I think we should move on. We couldn't hold this territory after we left anyway. Too few knights to maintain a..."

He glances out of the paper door - which is an Arthur shaped hole after he accidentally papered himself in without said door - towards the peaceful, wall-less city beyond.

Sir Bedivere: "Garrison? And besides, nobody would want to stay here. It smells bad. And we really need all the colonists we can get for our new home."

King Arthur: "Exactly what I was going to say! Great minds think alike, eh!?"

Sir Bedivere: "..."

Luckily he doesn't have to answer that as they're interrupted by Prince Mordred. With him is the G-Krypton Custodian as well as the X-Custodian Omega Wier. Since conquering the city, the G-Krypton, whose name is Flannel Bags - a name that spread quickly amongst the knights with great mirth - had made every attempt to learn the wacky language of these hairy alien people so that she could attempt to appease them in their bizarre demands for box-shaped buildings and collections of household junk. Now that she has become somewhat proficient in it she's been able to figure out what is actually happening.

She glances at Omega Wier, who nods solemnly.

King Arthur: "Don't tell me they haven't finished building the church yet?"

Sir Bedivere snaps to sudden interest.

Sir Bedivere: "That was a church they built!?"

King Arthur: "Yes... what does it look like?"

He dreads the answer.

Sir Bedivere: "Well... it looks bit like... a portaloo."

Arthur plants his face into his palms.

Sir Bedivere: "Well... God has had more than a few... offerings from knights this morning..."

Flannel Bags: "Sorry, it is not about the..."

She glances from Arthur to Bedivere.

Flannel Bags: "Portal loo?"

King Arthur: "Close enough. If it's not about that then what is? You look very serious..."

Flannel Bags: "You have been cheated, my kunt."

Arthur reels.

Sir Bedivere: "King, Custodian Bags. Kiiiing."

She nods enthusiastically.

Flannel Bags: "My kling!"

King Arthur: "Closer than your last attempt. Let's just stick with that..."

Flannel Bags: "My Kling, you were tricked to coming to this city!"

King Arthur: "Tricked how?"

Flannel Bags: "By Gamma Pans, the Custodian of the X-Kryptons! Omega Wier is telling me that L-Kryptons raided X-Krypton land but Custodian Pans telling you that it was us, the G-Kryptons. Custodian Pans has long wanted to raid us but never had the strength. He was supposed to being our alliance! But he tricked you to join him and betrayed that alliance to us!"

There is a long silence...


Prince Mordred and Sir Tristram are just outside the Custodian House in the G-Krypton city. After sending technology samples up to Camelot for Merlin to study she, with some help from the Jupiter Admiral, was able to retroengineer several new possible designs for the beam technology. One of those designs was the beam-bow, as Mordred called it. From a single metallic hilt protrudes to beams of thin energy and, like a bow, he pulls back a single pellet that extends into a red shaft of light. He releases it. The laser-arrow is weighted only by the tiny pellet and is, otherwise, weightless. The pellet is resistant to wind pressure and so the arrow whizzes through the air fast and long. It hits Arthur's new portaloo in the distance. 

Sir Tristram: "Good shot, Mordred."

Prince Mordred: "Thanks. We should try firing one from the top of a building, see how far they can really go."

Sir Tristram: "Too dangerous. We'd probably end up killing someone..."

Prince Mordred: "Like a mile away. Nobody would ever even know it was us!"

Sir Tristram scowls at the prince.

Prince Mordred: "I was just joking, Sir Tristram. Relax."

Sir Tristram: "Sometimes, Mordred, with you I wonder."

Prince Mordred: "Is it because I'm an incest-induced ******* child or my red hair that makes me evil, Sir Tristram?"

The Saracen knight shakes his head.

Sir Tristram: "It's your callous attitude that will lead you to ruin, good prince."

Prince Mordred: "So noooow I'm a good prince, huh?"

Sir Tristram: "Are you trying to goad me, Mordred? You should leave that task to Sir Kay. He is much better at annoying everyone."

Mordred snorts with a small laugh. Their talk is interrupted by a sudden bellow from the Custodian House. From the Arthur-shaped-hole-door suddenly bursts Arthur himself astride his horse, leaving an Arthur-and-Horse-shaped-hole-door instead. Where Arthur had been keeping Llamrei, the horse, was a sudden mystery to Mordred as he couldn't think of anywhere inside the building that the horse ought to be kept. Either way he had it now and he charged down the short hill towards Mordred and Tristram. Sir Bedivere, Omega Wier and Flannel Bags come running after him.

As Arthur gets to the bottom of the hill, several knights that are in the area approach to hear Arthur's explanation for the sudden calamity.

King Arthur: "Knights! We have been played for fools! Anyone that can be ready within the next fifteen minutes, saddle up immediately! We shall hunt down the fiend we know as Gamma Pans!"

Mordred glances at Tristram for just a moment before they both rush off to find their horses, which are still being stored in a random house and attended to by squires. While Sir Tristram mounts his grey horse, Mordred gets upon his own roan - the younger sister horse to his father's. They pull the reins and they're away. Just behind them comes Sir Caelia upon her dire wolf. The wolf, despite being shorter than the horses, is able to catch up to, and pass them by, with ease. It bounds and leaps down the streets as nimbly as any household cat. The G-Kryptons watch the strange aliens upon their alien beasts with fascination and curiosity at the sudden change of pace.

Soon enough they reach the appointed exit, planned out on the day of conquest in case they suddenly had to vacate the city, and found Arthur waiting for them.

Sir Caelia, Sir Lancelot, Sir Kay, Sir Tristram, Mordred himself and the X-Krypton Custodian Omega Wier were to journey out in search of Gamma Pans. Omega Wier, though he doesn't speak English, can gesture well enough and so the knights follow his lead. He sits behind Arthur upon Llamrei and points the direction back towards the X-Krypton city.

The group is filled with anger. It's one thing to be betrayed but to be betrayed and used made the betrayal all the harder to swallow. Sir Bedivere would oversee the return to Camelot by the rest of the knights and await the return of the king. Mordred hopes that he and his people hadn't done too much damage to the lives of these alien people and wonders if his father plans to compensate them somehow.


After reaching the city they had learnt that Gamma Pans, aware of the incoming king, had fled. Arthur, determined to hunt down the villain, leads his knights after the runaway...


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