Pan Post 50 looks at the Deities for Activism Club, introducing the Goddess of Fairness as the chairperson of the meeting while God of Unbiased History records everything down on his typewriter. Eventually the meeting turns to the FeministGoddess who announces that something must be done about the alitaurs, a species whose males gain power through sexual conquests, while the women only gain power through chastity - making it unfair and misogynist. Thus they decide they need to alter the DNA of the species. Meanwhile Mootchief Minos, a powerful alitaur leader, has been trying to woo the Sixteen Sorcerous Sisters but they have refused him. When he ventures to meet them he finds a ship of the High Empire there along with Highemperor himself. The sisters have accepted Highemperor as their suit over Mootchief. Highemperor claims Mootchief Minos' territory and defeats him in battle. When the FeministGoddess finally arrives, she's too late and vows to stop Highemperor. Minos and FeministGoddess find Mega Jonestown Prime but only Minos is deemed powerful enough to join the Twelve God-Monarchs.


The Conquest of Serlia

Goddess of Fairness: I call this meeting of the Deities for Activism Club to order!

The various deities stop mingling and quiet down. Those who are still standing take their seats on folding thrones. Only the slurping of ambrosial coffee and munching of nectar-filled pastries can be heard.

Goddess of Fairness: First, the God of Unbiased History will recite the minutes of the last meeting...

The other deities all suppress a groan, because the God of Unbiased History is monotonously boring. To give you an idea how boring, let's just say that Ben Stein[Ext 1] is one of his avatars.

God of Unbiased History: ...and the meeting was adjourned at exactly 3 PM and 1 second, plus 15.8 milliseconds.

Goddess of Fairness: Thank you, God of Unbiased History!

The other deities jolt into awareness now that the monotone has ended.

Goddess of Fairness: Now let's receive an update from the God of Whale Salvation!

God of Whale Salvation: Thank you, Goddess of Fairness, I--

He pauses, and so does the clackity-clack of the God of Unbiased History's fingers on his typewriter.

God of Whale Salvation: Do you really have to--

The clackity-clack picks up again as soon as the God of Whale Salvation begins speaking again.

God of Whale Salvation: Oy! Stop that! I can't hear myself think!

Androgynous Deity of Orderly Conduct: Perhaps we should get the God of Unbiased History's typewriter a silencer. As the overlord of orderly conduct, this falls within my purview.

Other Deities: Hear, hear!

Momentarily, the sound of typing is muffled, and the God of Whale Salvation continues, relieved.

God of Whale Salvation: I am pleased to report that we have saved 17 species of whales in the last week!

Other Deities: Hooray!

God of Whale Salvation: Unfortunately, my nemesis Captain Ahab[Ext 2] exterminated an 18th species.

Other Deities: Aw!

God of Cooperation: I move that we send an expedition into that species' marine underworld to retrieve their souls!

God of Whale Salvation: Seconded!

Goddess of Fairness: All in favor?

Most of the hands rise.

Goddess of Fairness: All against?

Very few hands rise.

Goddess of Fairness: All abstaining?

The rest of the hands rise, other than the God of Unbiased History, who keeps typing away.

Goddess of Fairness: God of Unbiased History, you have to raise your hand for one of the three options.

God of Unbiased History: My hands are kind of busy.

He types what he says even as he says it.

Goddess of Fairness: If the rest of us have to do it, you have to do it too.

God of Unbiased History: Oh, very well.

He idly conjures a third arm from his shoulder and raises it to abstain.

Goddess of Fairness: Motion passed! God of Cooperation, as the originator of the motion, it falls to you to organize this expedition. The resources of the Deities for Activism Club are at your disposal.

God of Cooperation: Thank you, chairman.

FeministGoddess: Chairwoman. Or chairperson.

Androgynous Deity of Orderly Conduct: Now, now, FeministGoddess, let's not cause a fuss.

FeministGoddess: Isn't causing a fuss exactly what this club is about?

Androgynous Deity of Orderly Conduct: Let's save that debate for another day. At any rate, I'm sure we can both agree that we don't wish to cause any fuss within our club itself.

FeministGoddess: Oh very well. Anyway, if the God of Whale Salvation is done, I have terrible news to report!

Goddess of Fairness: You have the floor.

FeministGoddess: Thank you, chairdeity. I have discovered a terribly misogynistic society in the far reaches of Forever!

Tree Hugging Deity: Let me guess, the women there aren't allowed to wear pants?

FeministGoddess gasps, scandalized.

FeministGoddess: Don't even joke about something so ghastly! But this is worse. It's a realm called Serleria, which spans several galaxies. Its dominant species are the alitaurs.

God of Whale Salvation: I don't suppose alitaurs are a variety of whale?

FeministGoddess: I'm afraid not. They're centaurs[Ext 3] with wings and unicorn-horns[Ext 4]. Their horns are repositories of mystic energy, and can magnify the power of all those around them. The mystic repositories within their horns are fueled by tantric rituals.

Hermaphroditic Deity of Free Love: That sounds AWESOME! We should get them to send representatives to repressed cultures to share the wonderfulness of their lifestyle!

FeministGoddess: Unfortunately, it's not as awesome as it sounds. Male alitaurs increase their power with every willing woman they mate with, particularly if the woman is a virgin, and particularly if the woman is powerful herself.

Hermaphroditic Deity of Free Love: Sounds great so far!

FeministGoddess: Female alitaurs, however, increase their mystic power only by maintaining their virginity.

The Hermaphroditic Deity of Free Love recoils in horror. The Goddess of Fairness frowns.

Goddess of Fairness: That really doesn't seem fair at all.

FeministGoddess: And so misogynistic! Even worse is their popular legend that one day a man will arise whose seed will make female alitaurs even more powerful than if they were to remain virgins! That is terrible sacrilege to the cause of feminism!

Androgynous Deity of Orderly Conduct: Is this misogyny a social construct, or is it in their genetics?

FeministGoddess: It's in their genetics that each gender amasses mystic power differently, but biology does not excuse misogyny!

Hermaphroditic Deity of Free Love: I motion that we divinely alter their DNA so that female alitaurs also derive mystic power from mating!

Goddess of Fairness: Seconded! All in favor?

Several hands go up, but the God of Unbiased History speaks up, his fingers still typing every word that is said, including his own.

God of Unbiased History: I must advise you that the Serlerian alitaurs are too powerful and numerous to be so casually altered even by deities of our level.

FeministGoddess: Then we'll start with just a few scattered ones - and kill the rest!

Goddess of Fairness: I don't know about killing the rest, but we can certainly start with a few scattered tribes.

FeministGoddess: We'll work out the details on the way. Let's go!


Mootchief Minos exits his odah, where he has just deflowered his latest seduction, the daughter of a clan chieftain from another galaxy. He is the most powerful alitaur in history, in a variety of senses. Politically and militarily, he commands a thousand unified tribes across the Serlerian galaxies. Physically, his strength and martial prowess know no equal among his race.

And mystically, he has... *ahem* amassed more energy in his horn than any male alitaur has done so before. And his mystic energy... *ahem* increases almost daily.

Alitaur Eunuch: My lord, the Sixteen Sorcerous Sisters have sent a reply to your latest proposition.

Mootchief Minos stamps his hooves and reclines on his alitaur-sized throne. His eyes light up in anticipation.

Mootchief Minos: Have they finally acknowledged me as their conqueror?

Alitaur Eunuch: I am afraid not, milord. Verbatim, "go jump in a lake".

Minos scrunches up his brow in confusion.

Mootchief Minos: Do they consider the act of leaping into a body of water a great feat that would make me worthy in their eyes to deflower them?

The eunuch coughs delicately.

Alitaur Eunuch: It is a colloquialism for saying "no" with particular vehemence.

Mootchief Minos: BAH! I tire of their games. I will go visit their palace in PERSON! Surely then they will not be able to resist me!

The eunuch deems it wise not to express his doubts.

Alitaur Eunuch: As you say, my lord.

So Mootchief Minos and his coterie travel to another galaxy, where the Sixteen Sorcerous Sisters rule their realm from a lushly gardened palace. There is a strange - and extremely large - spaceship orbiting overhead, which gives Minos pause as he arrives.

Mootchief Minos: What manner of vessel is THAT? I have never seen the like.

Alitaur Eunuch: Nor have I, my lord. Intelligence reports no new cruiser designs in the Sisters' arsenal. Troubling...

Minos dismisses his eunuch's concerns with a wave of his hand.

Mootchief Minos: It matters not, for soon the 16 Sisters will freely give themselves to me, and all their domain will be mine as well!

Followed by his coterie of prime warriors, Minos gallops up the arcade to the palace gates and marches through the doors. As he comes in peace, he is not hindered, but he notes strange soldiers throughout the 16 Sorcerous Sisters' palace.

They are not alitaurs, which is common, as the alitaurs rule over many lesser species, but these other soldiers are clad in a variety of red-and-gold or black-and-silver armor, in designs that are strange and unfamiliar to Minos, who has acquainted himself with such things.

Mootchief Minos: Who are these strange warriors?

Alitaur Eunuch: Up-to-the-minute intelligence suggests that they are from the large spacecruiser overhead.

Minos frowns briefly, but then smiles as he enters the palace's grand audience chamber.

Mootchief Minos: BEHOLD, Sisters, the conqueror of your hearts, for it is I, Mootchief Minos!

He belatedly notices that there is already a grand visitor in the palace, standing before the 16 thrones - and the 16 Sisters are regarding the visitor with great interest indeed. They reluctantly turn their gaze to Minos, and sigh exasperatedly.

Ulalume: Your suit is still rejected, Mootchief. We have just accepted the Highemperor's suit.

Minos gapes at the sister who spoke, then at the visitor, who is a tall biped cloaked in black and red.

Highemperor: When I heard of Serleria, and furthermore that the 16 Sorcerous Sisters are the most powerful within this realm, due to being millennia old yet still virgins, I knew I had to win their hearts. Their clever tantric use of fueling their magicks with both abstinence and sex - lesbian sex, so as to maintain their virginal state - has given them unprecedented power in all your history, even more than you, Mootchief Minos.

Ulalume: Furthermore, sense the power within HIM. He is the one the legends speak of, the man whose power is so great that his seed will only make us more powerful, rather than diminish us!

Ursula: Also, he's the hottest male we've ever seen!

Minos's eyes flash in rage.

Mootchief Minos: Nonsense! I am the mightiest of alitaurs. Behold my manhood!

He exposes himself in a bold ploy to win over the 16 Sisters, for all female alitaurs are size queens. This is a biological necessity, seeing as the alitaurs are half-horse, or else no female alitaur would ever consent to procreate. And Minos is well-known for his prodigious size.

Highemperor: So it's that game we're playing, is it?

Highemp also exposes himself, revealing himself as substantially larger! Because powergaming.

Highemperor: I have satisfied the mother of all dragons with this!

At this moment, the CensorGod crashes their party.

CensorGod: By all the gods in Forever! Have none of you any shame?

He starts slapping black censor bars over the whole screen. Everyone else ignores him.

Highemperor: And now, Mootchief Minos, if you do not surrender your own realm to me, I will take it by force.

Predictably, a great war follows. The legions of the High Empire reinforce the relatively small but powerful realm of the 16 Sorcerous Sisters, and over the next two years smash Minos's domains completely. Minos escapes with a coterie of his most loyal surviving warriors, vowing revenge, as Serleria is completely conquered by the High Empire.

FeministGoddess: Here we are! On the outskirts of Serleria, no one will notice if we adjust a few--

Random High Legatifex: Halt! What deity trespasses in this realm?

Hermaphroditic Deity of Free Love: There is no trespass in free love!

Random High Legatifex: By the order of the Highemperor, and enforced by the Anti-Deific Wards of our flagships, no deities who do not swear fealty to our lord are allowed within our realm!

Goddess of Fairness: Curses! Foiled!

FeministGoddess: This Highemperor is even more misogynist than the Serlerians! I'll stop him if it's the last thing I do!

So the FeministGoddess eventually meets Mootchief Minos as he wanders throughout the universes, and together they plot revenge against Highemperor. Minos constantly puts the moves on her, but the FeministGoddess always responds with merciless b*tch slaps. Somehow, the partnership works.

They discover the burgeoning space city of Mega Jonestown Prime in the NeSiverse, and are welcomed by Imeryn and the God-Kings. The FeministGoddess objects, and Imeryn renames her pantheon to God-Monarchs.

However, only Minos is deemed powerful enough for the great pantheon, and in a huff, the FeministGoddess leaves. Besides, she has infinite multiverses full of misogyny to end, she reasons, and so she shouldn't be tied to one place.

Meanwhile, Minos's uber mystic horn magnifies the powers of all the other God-Monarchs exponentially, like a prism refracting light, and he continues to... *ahem* amass his own personal power...


Britt the Writer: What the hell, Al?!

Al Ciao the Writer: >.>

Geb the Writer: It is a pretty, er, risque post.

Al Ciao the Writer: It's not NeSmut! Honest! Especially not compared to that whole Ovai post Britt made!

Geb the Writer: Fair point...


External References

  1. Ben Stein article, Wikipedia.
  2. Captain Ahab article, Wikipedia.
  3. Centaur article, Wikipedia.
  4. Unicorn article, Wikipedia.
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