Pan Post 42 reintroduces Joe the Sound Guy, originally a Character from the Never-ending Story1, and reimagines him as Joseph David Shmoe who likes to be called Dave. After a recap of his past he goes on to find a lost wallet belonging to Highemperor before he is then taken in by the Sitraehehterehwsiemoh because he destroyed their enemies. When The Doctor arrives in his TARDIS he warns Dave that the aliens liked to immolate their gods in a process called Daveification. He takes Dave away, thus instigating the first use of the process by the aliens so that their gods couldn't run off again. The Doctor's TARDIS seems to malfunction and so he leaves Dave on primordial Earth while he goes off to fix it. There Dave witnesses an epic battle between powerplayers Highemperor and Imeryn. When he gets in the way, trying to hand over the wallet, Highemperor's blast is reflected by the wallet and strikes a blow to Highemperor - forcing him to retreat. Mistaking Dave for someone of great power, and great reputation, she takes him to join the God-Monarchs.


All Hail Dave, the Joe Shmoe Who Accidentally Became A God-Monarch!

Today's spotlight will focus on the most mind-boggling of the God-Monarchs, a man who defies every conceivable notion of what an all-powerful deity should be, a man who often appears powerless before others yet wields unfathomable power when the moment demands it, a man who wants nothing to do with Highemperor, yet finds his fate inescapably intertwined. He is Zhuge, the--

Sorry? That one's already covered? Then who's getting covered?

Ah, right.

He's a Joe Shmoe who--

What now?!

...That's actually his name? And...he prefers to go by "Dave" these days? Says it sounds better... Right. Hey, why does this seem familiar?

Oh... oh dear.

He was in The Never-ending Story Thread, that's why. Do I really have to do an expose on him? ...Fine.


Joseph David Shmoe lived an unusual first twenty-some years of his life. This isn't to say that Joe--sorry, Dave-- lived a particularly exciting life. In fact, his life could be accused of being dull, mediocre, average, mundane, and forgettable were it not for just enough moments of surviving the occasional end-of-the-world worthy explosion, stumbling on recording the ominous "Bloop[Ext 1]" sound, flip-flopping on the bell-curve of statistical likeliness in both good and evil acts, and just memorable enough to wish he had been forgotten. All-in-all, though, as it concerns the history of his becoming a God-Monarch, Dave lived as any other cowardly and idiotic human in the NeSiverse, his insignificance to such higher powers seemingly insurmountable.

Which is, of course, to say that Dave surmounted it, though not through any doing or will of his own. Sometimes, Existence sort of just assumes that a limit set won't be broken, and when it does, it just sort of sweeps things under the rug and claims it was always like that.

Dave's story starts on page 10 of the Never-ending Story, where, as Joe the Sound Guy, he wins over the heart of Losien for a short time. He showed off his superhero identity, TOEJOE, before scoring with her in a laundromat. To this day, Dave considers this the high point of his life. After parting ways, Dave heard that Losien fell for someone else. With nobody to impress, Dave hung up the superhero life because it involved far too much paperwork and far too little pay.

Villainy, now there was something that involved a lot less hassle and a lot more pay. Especially when that paycheck comes from Bill Gates, who just happened to have a soul-consuming Legion-like spirit in his service that wanted certain would-be-heroes dead. All Dave had to do was deliver a bomb to his one-time love. Well, and then follow her to the Ninth Circle of Hell (Canada) to ensure the bomb actually went off. A lot of craziness ensued that, frankly, went over his head, and someone had hurled the bomb to some far-away planet. When the pandemonium died, Dave was left alone, because some Writer didn't bother filling everyone in on the details of the aftermath.

Dave: "Um... so does this mean I need to look for another job?"

He looks down and notices a wallet. Looking around first, he then picks it up and examines its contents.

Dave: "Holy smokes! That's a lot of hundreds! And a lot of vouchers for Red Lobster[Ext 2]... Highemperor, huh? Did his parents name him that, I wonder? I suppose I should give the guy his wallet back. Maybe. Minus a few hundreds he probably won't miss--"

Just then, a fleet of rather intimidating-looking spaceships zoom above where he stood and a hologram projection of an even more intimidating-looking alien face appears to stare right at Dave.

Alien: "We've tracked the bomb that destroyed Sitraehehterehwsiemoh to this location. Are you the one who handled the bomb?"

Dave: "I, er, that is to say--"

Alien: "You should know that we, the Smurtmat-Repmet, are a race that instantly knows when anyone isn't telling the truth."

Dave: "...yes?"

The alien stares at Dave with piercing eyes. It looks side to side before throwing its arms in celebration.

Alien: "Then you are our savior! The vile people of Sitraehehterehwsiemoh have been bombarding us with hand-stitched throw pillows and potluck invitations for at least three whole weeks! We shall forever worship you as a god among us, Oh Mighty...?

Dave: "Dave, and what was that about pillows?"

Before he could raise further questions or objections, though, the Smurtmat-Repmet abduct Dave into one of their spacecraft and speed off towards their home solar system. Dave sits rather perplexed in a lavish guest room, or he presumes it to be lavish, as it reminds him more of the sort of place that a toy shop and a torture chamber gave birth to.

As Dave considers accepting his new life as god of an alien race, a blue policebox[Ext 3] churns into existence before his eyes, sputtering and smoking slightly as it finishes solidifying. The doors open, and out steps a short-haired man in a leather jacket. When he speaks, he carries a distinctive Northern English accent.

Man: "This isn't London... oh, hello! Pardon me, I'm the Doctor."

Dave: "Doctor of what?"

The Doctor: "Oh, I get asked that all the--actually, you asked something else, didn't you? I don't get that one as often. What are you doing on a Smurtmat-Repmet vessel, if I may ask? Don't you know they're a terribly violent species known for immolating their heroes as statues? They call it Davefication--OO-OO! Are you Dave? The Dave who is seated among the Thirteen Thrones? Oh, this is very exciting!"

Dave: "What? Uh, yeah... about all you said, could you maybe hitch me a ride out of here? Back to Earth?"

The Doctor: "Oh certainly! I was just heading to London when I had some malfunctions and--well, enough about that, right? Hop on in!"

As Dave enters the blue police box AKA the TARDIS, he looks around the spacious interior.

Dave: "It's, uh...not what I was expecting."

The Doctor: "Yes, yes, it's bigger on the--"

Dave: "It doesn't look very high-tech."

The Doctor: "Oh. Well, looks aren't everything, you know?"

Slamming a switch and twisting some knobs, the Doctor initiates the TARDIS to travel once more. Several of the Smurtmat-Repmet step in the room after it disappears, and sore from that moment on that all their heroes would be immortalized in a more permanent fashion.

The Doctor: "London, here we come!"

Sparks fly and more explosions erupts, shifting the two wildly in another direction. When the TARDIS finally gives out, the two step outside to see a primordial landscape.

Dave: "Uh... if you don't mind me asking, have you been to London before?"

The Doctor: "This is London alright. We're just off by a few billion years. Really, it's amazing we hit the mark when there's an Earth at all."

Dave: "Are we... in the past?"

The Doctor: "Did I forget to mention that my TARDIS travels through time too? Look, I admit, it's been a bit temperamental lately--"

Dave: "Temperamental?!"

The Doctor: "--and it's really not safe for humans like you to ride in it right now. I'm going to need to take it elsewhere to fix it, but I'll be back by tea-time, right? Right. Stay put then! I'll be back!"

With that, The Doctor hops back into his TARDIS and disappears, leaving Dave alone on a violent, newly-formed Earth. Several hours pass by.

Dave: "I don't think he's coming back."

Out of existential boredom, Dave picks up a rock and begins to chisel "Dave was here" into the side of another rock. However, he only finished his name when two beings plummet into the Earth nearby him. Dave covers his head illogically in instinctual fear. When the dust clears, a man and a woman stand facing each other intently.

Woman: "This time, Highemperor, I'll end you for sure!"

Man/Highemperor: "You're good, Imeryn, but I'm better!"

As the two begin to slug it out, realization slowly dawns on Dave.

Dave: "Highemperor...? Oh right! Hey! Over here! I have something for you!"

As he fumbles to get out the wallet, his one-track mind keeping him from considering the implications of interrupting such a battle, Highemperor and Imeryn struggle for dominance over each other.

Dave: "Wait a minute... that's right."

He quickly fishes out a few hundreds to shove into his own pocket. As dumb happenstance would have it, he now stands directly between Imeryn and Highemperor

Imeryn: "Get out of the way!"

As Dave raises his wallet-hand in offer, Imeryn aims to fire a blinding energy blast through Dave at Highemperor. Highemperor takes the distraction as an opportunity to teleport behind Imeryn for an attack. As she fires, the beam hits square on the wallet.

(It should be noted here that, being the possession of a powerplayer's, the wallet happens to have powerplaying properties of its own, one of which is to amplify anything it touches. Designed to increase the amount of money it has, it also has the unintentional side-effect of reflecting damage in greater amounts.)

The beam ricochets off the wallet and back at Imeryn amplified by magnitudes. Instinctively, she dodges to the side, and the beam hits Highemperor square in the chest. She stares in amazement as the attack, apparently from Dave, has critically injured her enemy. Growling, Highemperor sweeps his cape over him and disappears.

Imeryn turns to Dave.

Imeryn: "What was that all about?"

Dave: "Uh... well, you see, I had business with that Highemperor guy, and--"

Imeryn: "--you seek revenge against him too, don't you? By all accounts, you seem to be just another Joe Shmoe--"

Dave: "Please don't call me that."

Imeryn: "--and yet you took him down so easily. Tell me, how would you like to join me and my cabal as a fellow God-Monarch?"

Dave: "Do you immolate your God-Monarchs?"

Imeryn: "Why would we immolate--OH! You're Dave! Sorry, I didn't recognize you at first. I only knew you by reputation, you see. Come with me to Mega-Jonestown Prime. We have a lot to talk about!"

She grabs Dave's not-wallet-holding hand.

Dave: "Oh dear."


External References

  1. Bloop article, Wikipedia.
  2. Red Lobster (restaurant) article, Wikipedia.
  3. TARDIS article, Wikipedia.
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