In Pan Post 166 King Arthur has King Claudas at his mercy but chooses to keep him captive instead of listening to Prince Lionel, who wants to execute the Frankish king. King Bors sets up camp having won the war against Berry and the soldiers of Brittany celebrate by getting drunk, including Arthur and Sir Lancelot. King Bors agrees with his son, Sir Bors, that they shouldn't execute King Claudas and they should keep his prisoner so he goes to interrogate Claudas alone. Arthur and Lancelot follow, spotting Anna Pendragon with the mysterious Nyneve and Niall Gilroy. They come to the pen where the knights of Claudas are locked up and start singing football anthems at them. One of the knight's of Berry, who is incredibly polite, requests that they stop while another if gruff and angry that he followed a weak king like Claudas. Seeing an opportunity, Arthur recruits the two of them - Sir Calogrevance and Sir Aggravain. Suddenly they hear King Bors cry out and they rush to find the good king has been murdered and King Claudas escaped. Lady Bertilak reveals that she saw Claudas go and the hunt is on for the villain.


Space Camelot

Origins Part IV
Characters: King Arthur | Queen Guinevere | Prince Mordred | Morganna le Fay | Merlin the Younger | Sir Kay | Sir Lancelot | Sir Bedivere | Sir Galahad | Sir Tristram | Sir Caelia | Sir Red Rose Knight | Sir Black Knight | Sir Faerie Knight | Andy | Admiral Ltexi | Gamma Pans | King Mark | Queen Iseult | Sir Gawain | Sir Robin | Sir Greene Knight | Isolde of the White Hands | Sir Palamedes | Newrias | King Óenegus | Princess Guinevak | King Lot | King Urien | King Caradoc | Queen Morgause | Prester John | The Red Cross Knight | Sir Ector | Bors the Elder | King Hoel | Sir Bors | King Rience | King Leodegrance | Anna Pendragon | King Claudas | Prince Lionel | Lady Bertilak | Nyneve | Niall Gilroy

King Arthur: "I think we should start as we mean to go on."

Prince Lionel: "You mean you intend to keep cutting heads off?"

King Arthur: "Well, no. I mean we should show mercy and take him prisoner."

Prince Lionel: "You are right. We should show mercy..."

King Arthur: "That's a relief. I thought you--"

Prince Lionel: "Mercy for the families he has abused! Mercy for the women who lament their husbands or sons' deaths!"

King Arthur: "Right... well... I want to be a good king. The kind of king that people thing, 'Hey, Arthur is a... good king'. You know what I mean?"

King Claudas: "You won't regret your choice, oh wise Arthur. The people will know your name throughout the lands of Gaul and amongst the Germans."

Sir Kay: "Yeah, the Germans already know his name. Because we totally kicked the arses of those Angles and Saxons and dudes like that. And now the Franks. Is there a list of German tribes we can check off?"

With their king captured, the French and Frankish soldiers of Berry laid down their arms in surrender.

Sir Kay: "You know, arms means weapons right?"

King Claudas lifts his arms off of the ground hesitantly.

King Bors' army herds in the soldiers and soon they're all locked up in iron chains and deposited in a pen for the night. The victorious soldiers of Brittany set up camp, ready to celebrate their hard-fought victory. The evening drew in and night fell upon the land. Torches were lit and the liquor flowed.

King Bors: "I want to thank you again, Arthur! You saved my lost boy."

King Arthur's cheeks are flushed red and he groggily grins like a fool.

King Arthur: "Ya welcome, Kin' Burrs!"

King Bors: "How much has he had?"

Sir Kay: "He had one whiff."

King Bors: "Whiff? You mean he didn't even drink it!?"

King Arthur: "I wanna find a traffic cone. No night's drunkin' is complete wiffout a traffic cone on ya head."

Sir Lancelot: "And handcuffs. You have to have been arrested for pissing on something for the night be to truly complete."

Sir Bedievere: "I hate to point out that neither traffic cones nor handcuffs exist..."

King Arthur: "Oi! Dun' spoil our good timeeeez. Mr... Mr... Mr Glasses-on-your-face."

Bedivere pokes his thick-rimmed glasses up his nose as though he is affirming to Arthur that he does, indeed, wear glasses on his face. Although he hasn't drunk any of the alcohol, Sir Bedivere has been making the stuff for a while now. He has filtered it down to be around seventy percent alcohol - more than enough to make a man's chest hairs stand on end.

Sir Bors: "Father, what will you do with King Claudas now?"

The young knight hasn't touched, or even whiffed, a single drop of alcohol. He believes the body is a temple and shouldn't be stained. Initially this made him immensely unpopular but when everyone realised he could be the designated driver (of a horse and cart that is) he was everyone's new best friend.

King Bors: "I have no idea. Throw him in a river?"

Prince Lionel: "Woohoo!"

Sir Bors: "That would be very dishonourable."

Prince Lionel: "Party pooper!"

Sir Bors: "Murder is not a party."

Prince Lionel: "If we put a party hat on his head and blow party poppers when we lob it off, then it sure will look like a party!"

King Bors: "Sorry Lionel, but your older brother is right. As much as it pains me to say it, we need to be the better men."

The king gets to his feet.

King Bors: "But that's no reason I can't gloat!"

He strides off towards the pen where the soldiers and knights are being kept. King Arthur scrambles to his feet and then staggers after the older king, zig-zagging his way through the camp. Lancelot decides to help his king, though he is just as drunk (but because he actually drank some of Bedivere's brew), and they both end up zig-zagging arm-in-arm.

They hear, rather than witness, the boastful bellows of Sir Palamedes across the camp and they see Lady Bertilak with a group of servants in jovial revelry. Arthur catches her eye and she offers him a slight smile before she turns her head back to the girls she is with.

As the pair get closer to the camp Arthur spots his sister. She is, again, with the two strangers that they'd met on the route to the Terre Deserte. Arthur squares his shoulders and is about to go and give these two interlopers a piece of his mind but he bumps into a wall (which he could have sworn was put in his path on purpose despite swaying straight into it) and falls flat on his back in the soil.

Sir Lancelot: "Ya highness? Wut ya doin' down... wherever ya are?"

Arthur turns his head.

King Arthur: "That's no' me. That's a rock."

Lancelot pokes the rock.

Sir Lancelot: "So it is. It's got your eyes."

Arthur gasps in horror and clutches his face.

King Arthur: "My eyes!!! Avenge me, Lancelot!"

Lancelot proceeds to avenge his king by punting the rock. The rock flies off but not without leaving its attacker a major injury to the foot.

Sir Lancelot: "T'was a fearsome foe, milord! But I killed it!"

He winces as he tries to put pressure on his wounded limb. He helps Arthur to his feet.

King Arthur: "I can see! It's a miracle!"

Lancelot cheers and drinks from the empty flagon he's been carrying around for the past twenty minutes. They continue on their merry way, having forgotten poor Anna, and find the enemy pens. The soldiers are all in one pen to the rear, the knights and generals are in another pen and Claudas is by himself.

Arthur and Lancelot jeer at the knights. Lancelot pulls his shirt over his head and runs around while Arthur starts singing;

King Arthur: "Three lions on a shirt! Jules Rimet[Ext 1] still gleaming! Thiiiiirty years of hurt, never stopped me dreaming[Ext 2]!!!"

The fact that football hasn't been invented yet doesn't stop our intrepid heroes from their football chants and songs of English superiority (even though England has always been better at war than football). By the time Arthur is calling 'One-niiiiiiiil! One-niiiiiiil!' one of the French knights gets to his feet.

Knight: "I say, good chap, would you mind keeping it down?"

King Arthur: "Did this guy just out-English me?"

Knight: "Technically, I regret to inform you, there is no England or English yet."

King Arthur: "Don't technically me!"

Knight: "I am dreadfully sorry, old bean. I did not mean to offend!"

King Arthur: "There he goes again, being all English. You're French! Shouldn't you be saying je nay say pass? Or something like that?"

Sir Lancelot: "Yeeeeah!"

Lancelot has apparently forgotten he is actually French too.

Knight: "Well I think it might be rather rude if I spoke to you in French, good sir!"

King Arthur: "Who are you anyway? Why are you so obscenely polite?"

Knight: "My name is Sir Calogrevance! At your service!"

He makes a low bow.

Sir Lancelot: "Sir Calo...ger...ant?"

King Arthur: "Sir Cum-in-my-pants! Why is someone so pleasant working for someone so... unpleasant?"

Sir Calogrevance: "I happen to be a Berry-man born and bred, my lord."

Arthur and Lancelot snicker at 'Berry-man'.

Sir Calogrevance: "It is in my blood."

Sir Lancelot: "You have berries in your blood?"

They both start giggling again.

Another knight: "Stop entertaining them, Calogrevance! Aren't we humiliated enough by our own king without being mocked by another?"

King Arthur: "Exactly! Now I shall continue with the mocking!"

Sir Calogrevance: "Actually, I was perhaps hoping you may consider not mocking us any further, old bean? We have been through quite enough as it is..."

Calogrevance glances over to the pen where King Bors is speaking to King Claudas. Claudas is snivelling again.

Another knight: "To think, we placed our lives on the line for that wimp!"

The other knight is a massive beast of a man. He is over seven feet tall and broad-shouldered. His hair is long and tatty, in messy blonde curls. The facial hair on his face appears as though it has been hacked off with a blunt knife rather than trimmed to perfection like Arthur's efforts. He is the opposite to Sir Calogrevance, who is short, thin and so clean-shaven he looks like he might have been showering not five minutes ago. In fact Arthur is sure he can smell talcum powder.

Sir Lancelot: "He does look kind of pathetic."

Arthur feels a twitching of opportunity that snaps him out of his drunkenness.

King Arthur: "Wouldn't you like to serve a true and honourable king, good knights?"

Sir Calogrevance: "That would be the wish of any good and true knight."

The other knight catches on much faster.

Another knight: "And you reckon you're the man for that job?"

King Arthur: "I believe I am. I kept your former liege alive, didn't I? You can see I'm a man of honour!"

Sir Calogrevance: "It is true that King Claudas would not have shown you the same level of mercy, I must say! But would you truly be willing to take on a couple of old enemy knights, oh king?"

Arthur shrugs.

King Arthur: "You can't be any worse than Palamedes. I think I saw him riding his horse backwards before."

The other knight finally stands up, with interest, and strides across the pen. Each step is a massive gap that would engulf Arthur's own footfalls. He stands so tall he could easily climb over the pen-fence. Arthur cranes his neck to look up at his face.

Another knight: "I'm Sir Aggravain, the Frank. I only serve good, honest and brave kings."

Sir Lancelot: "I think that suits King Arthur perfectly. He's just the right amount of stupid to be all three of those things!"

Lancelot puts his hands on his hips with a prideful pose.

Sir Lancelot: "And so am I!"

Sir Calogrevance: "I daresay that may not be something to boast about, exactly..."

Sir Aggravain: "I didn't say he has to be smart."

Calogrevance shrugs wistfully.

Sir Calogrevance: "Well, I am in if you are, old sport."

Sir Aggravain beats a fist against his armoured chest.

Sir Aggravain: "Good King Arthur. Would you take us as your knights?"

Arthur fumbles getting Clarent from his sheath, suddenly remembering he's supposed to be drunk. Even with Sir Aggravain kneeling down, Arthur has to raise the sword pretty high to get it on his shoulders.

King Arthur: "I dub thee, Sir Angry-veins. You're next Sir Can-O'-Grievance!"

Just after Calogrevance is knighted and the two let out of the pen to now join their fellow knights of Britannia, there's a sudden howl of agony. They turn to see a figure bent over in Claudas' pen.

Arthur is there first and he sees only one man in the pen, now lying on the ground dead.

Sir Calogrevance: "Oh no. King Bors has been murdered!"

Sir Aggravain: "And who else could have done it other than that snake, Claudas!?"

From behind them appears Clare Bertilak.

Lady Bertilak: "I think he went that way, my liege! He stole some clothing and ran away in disguise!"

She points towards a little clothes maiden where a cloak was clearly missing.

King Arthur: "Arise! Arise! Criminal on the loose!"

Before long the camp is in an uproar and knights and soldiers are dashing everywhere and out of the camp with flaming torches. Arthur and Calogrevance remain with King Bors. He is already dead, even though Calogrevance tries his best to bring the old man back from the brink. As Arthur stands there he becomes aware that there are two people behind him. He turns to see the two sons of the dead king.

Sir Bors looks horrified. Prince Lionel, however, is glowering with rage. The young man doesn't even speak to voice his outrage. He just turns and shoves his way past Sir Bors.

Sir Calogrevance: "That is one feud that will not end well, old bean. Mark my words."


Britt's Commentary

"Arthur is singing the football song Three Lions[Ext 2] by The Lightning Seeds[Ext 3]." ~ Britt the Writer


External References

  1. Jules Rimet Trophy section, FIFA World Cup Trophy article, Wikipedia.
  2. 2.0 2.1 Three Lions article, Wikipedia.
  3. The Lightning Seeds article, Wikipedia.
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