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The NeS Heroes escaped the clutches of Totallyevil, and her henchmen Farr and Wolf, at Stonehenge and found themselves in the company of druids. They embark on a quest to find the legendary Porkus Malorkus, a sword that would turn any unworthy wielder into a pig. They venture through a gaming fortress designed by Semievil, a NeS Hero and brother to Totallyevil, to reach the sword. However, internal conflict arises between the heroes when the subject of team leader comes up. Elsewhere a demon (who is later revealed as High Imp), accidentally summoned by Semievil, becomes the Prime Minister of Canada.
Confrontation with Totallyevil
The group had fled the destruction of the Colosseum and the asteroid[MT ref 1], and then also fled from the threat of Totallyevil and her henchmen, Wolf and Farr, when they faced the trio at Stonehenge[MT ref 2]. They had then arrived in a strange mystical wood of eccentric druids, led by Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing. However he believed that Semievil was evil because he was the brother of Totallyevil and tried to banish him, only to have Semievil return and begin attacking the trees sacred to the druids[MT ref 3]. When the druids realised this, they came to attack Semievil. Gebohq tells Semievil that he cannot attack the druids as it would break the Geneva Convention[Ext Ref 1]. Antestarr reinterpreted Gebohq's statement as it being 'more interesting' if they were all captured and put into a precarious situation. The druids took them captive and tied them to posts over fire pits, ready for cooking. Except for The Otter, who they believed to be a bard-god[MT ref 4]. Previously, the heroes had all transformed themselves into Dungeons & Dragons[Ext Ref 2] classes[Ext Ref 3] to help them escape and fight against Totallyevil[MT ref 5]. MaybeChild had turned herself into a Cleric[Ext Ref 4]. With her druid powers she was able to pray away the captors, bonds and fires - though they all still fell face-first to to ground. Maybe would begin to grow a reputation as an 'anti-male' character as she developed a disdain for the men around her, first introduced on NeS Page 7.
"MaybeChild (standing up and brushing herself off): "Alright, are we going to go kick some evil @$$ or what? I swear, working with men is so FRUITLESS sometimes!"
Gebohq: "Hey! We're not fruity!"
Semievil: "FruitLESS, not fruity, stupid... *sigh* Yeah, let's go, Maybe." " ~MaybeChild the Writer.
MaybeChild wanted to get back to battling with the villains and so they were transported back to Stonehenge to finish their fight. Maybe announced that Wolf was hers to deal with and so the other heroes went to attack Totallyevil and Farr, leaving Maybe with Wolf. Semievil, Gebohq and Uncle Tusk took on Totallyevil, while Antestarr, The Otter and Krig the Viking took on Farr. Maybe used her cleric power to burn Wolf's staff, his primary weapon of attack. After a while he finally attacked her, this time he used his trench-coat to absorb her into the aether of his being. There, in the dark aether, she was able to channel her power of light and Wolf ultimately exploded, leaving Maybe stood in the blood and gore left behind[MT ref 6].
Continuing with the D&D class system, Totallyevil is revealed to be a Necromancer[Ext Ref 5] and therefore able to raise the dead. She had already raised a skeleton to fight Gebohq, but the skeleton destroyed itself by touching the holy armour that Gebohq was wearing. As the skeleton disintegrated, Gebohq moved to protect Maybe from the walking corpse of Wolf that Totally had risen. Semievil managed to bury the body in the earth and explained that Maybe would have to bless any dead bodies to prevent them from being risen again by Totally's powers. However Semievil then fainted from the poison Totally used on him and even Gebohq appeared weakened[MT ref 7]. Krig, instead of fighting, then leapt to attack Gebohq's shield - thinking it was going to be tasty. Totallyevil struck Gebohq on the back of the head and rendered him unconscious. Uncle Tusk, in a fit of vengeful wrath, charged at Totallyevil. Then Totally's spell knocked everyone, bar Uncle Tusk, unconscious[MT ref 8]. Hours later everyone woke up and instantly resumed exactly what they had been doing previously. Maybe struck Totallyevil with her prayer book, scoffing that it wasn't for reading. Before she could heal Semievil of his poison, she had to deal with the remains of Wolf that had risen from the grave again. She was able to cut him in half and lay a blessing on him before he could be saved by Totallyevil's magic. As Maybe turned to help Semievil he was attacked by his sister. Maybe threw a lasso of rosary beads that wrapped around Totallyevil's neck and Semievil was able to begin hog-tying his sister. Until he was suddenly interrupted by Farr and his three heroic attackers[MT ref 9]. Semievil used his magic to cast an illusion upon all of the heroes and make them appear as rocks[MT ref 10]. Briefly Dr Evil, the father of Totallyevil and Semievil, made an appearance at Totallyevil's behest. She wanted him to bring his lasors, so she could blast the rocks, but he didn't appear to bring any with him[MT ref 11].
The scene is then stolen by John Shaft[Ext Ref 6], and the male characters lament that they will never get the women while Shaft is around[MT ref 12]. When Krig complained of being bored as a rock, Semievil conjured up a fountain of beer for him and Uncle Tusk to get drunk, which they promptly do. When they woke up, they found that they were wearing wedding dresses and makeup and surrounded by a cloud that Totallyevil created to surround them during the night[MT ref 13]. When awake the next day, Krig tried to run away from Totallyevil in his drunken stupor. As she watched him slowly flee, and look at the passed out Uncle Tusk, Totallyevil decided that the true heroes must have left. She, her father, and Farr left the area. Dr Evil mistook his daughter for a son on the way, though why Dr Evil thinks she is a boy is unknown. John Shaft wanted to attack the villains but when he realised that they had escaped he threatened the Narrator instead and vowed he'd find a way to kill said Narrator. Finally the NeS Heroes decided it was time that they went to find the Porkus Malorkus, a legendary sword that Undramondiginonhafabigmajicthing said would help them defeat Totallyevil[MT ref 14]. Unfortunately Semievil had forgotten the spell to turn the heroes back to normal and so Gebohq led the way to rocking themselves into a roll down the hill, citing, "Let's Rock and Roll!"[MT ref 15] When MaybeChild groaned at his terrible joke, Gebohq seemed not to realise he had even made a joke, lending to Gebohq's renowned cluelessness in the face of the obvious[MT ref 15]. Cursing his bad luck, Semievil's cursing rant ends up summoning a string of creatures from Hell, including several demons, fire elementals[Ext Ref 7] and an arch demon. Although the fire elementals were able to defeat the lesser creatures on behalf of Semievil, the arch demon was not so easily defeated and with a crack of his whip he was able to kill the fire elementals. However the heroes were now back to their normal selves again, badly timed with the arrival of the demon. This is also the first prominent use of the word "Fuq", which became a running meme word[MT ref 16]. When the fleeing Krig saw what was happening, after finally catching up with the rolling rocks, he fled in the opposite direction again[MT ref 17].
It was then that The Otter was able to use his druid powers to create a vortex to suck up the demon and send him elsewhere, however Otter had no idea where he sent it. In Canada, the Canadian Parliament were acting childish and giggling because someone said the word 'beaver'. The Quebec dignitary didn't seem to get the joke. When the vortex opened the demon emerged and instantly killed the Quebec dignitary, which prompted an applause from the rest of the delegates. The head barrister placed his wig on the demon[MT ref 18] and made him head barrister instead[MT ref 19]. This would mark the moment that Hell began to take over Canada and the demon would later be revealed to be High Imp. Citation needed.
When Krig and Uncle Tusk, who was now awake, saw the coast was clear they came back to the heroes[MT ref 20]. However nobody realised that Gebohq had been fighting the remaining creatures alone. Quickly Semievil gave a few pages of his tome to MaybeChild to cast her clerical magic[MT ref 21]. Semievil was able to throw a mace to Gebohq that he had found inside Morris the Cat when he was trapped there by the lead druid[MT ref 3]. The morning star casts a spell that dumps a pile of holy crosses[Ext Ref 8], stars of David[Ext Ref 9] and other such holy artefacts upon the creatures that kills them. Semievil pondered whether the Porkis Malorkus did something similar and tore out more pages of his tome for MaybeChild to study and possibly find reference to the sword[MT ref 21]. After quickly studying the pages, Maybe discovered that the wielder of the Porkus Malorkus would be turned into a pig, but only if he was unworthy of the weapon. Gebohq believed that, because he was the heroic paladin[Ext Ref 10], that he would be the one to wield the sword. This may mark the beginning of his growth as Main Character[MT ref 19]. When Gebohq asked where the sword was, Maybe checked the pages and then pointed to a massive block-like Imperial[Ext Ref 11] fortress right next to them. The sudden appearance of the fortress was blamed on bad editing, the editor here being the person that designed the fortress (as in a gaming level[Ext Ref 12]). After typical famous last words of, "It can't be that bad..."[MT ref 22] from Semievil, the group entered the fortress and instantly found themselves surrounded by imperial troops, including Stormtroopers[Ext Ref 13] and AT-STs[Ext Ref 14] (large war machines on two legs).
The Imperial Fortress
Semievil then pulled out a keyboard and began typing commands into it, trying to apply "cheat codes[Ext Ref 15]" to allow them to win[MT ref 22]. Krig the Viking, being from the past, had never seen such men in armour nor such machines before and was astounded. But his blood boiled and raged until he entered that fabled beserker state the vikings were known for. However when he attacked with his axe, the stormtrooper failed to even flinch. Apparently, continuing with the gaming analogy, Krig was experiencing gaming lag[Ext Ref 16] - a condition caused by a poor internet connection to the gaming server where the game will take time to catch up to the players' actions[MT ref 23]. Gebohq insisted, however, that there was no lag - merely the Stormtroopers were so dumb that they didn't even realise they had been hacked to death[MT ref 24]. Semievil declared that they should use the "SPORK" patch[MT ref 25], an alteration in the software of the gaming program that would allow them to use an unusual ability wherein they fired grappling hooks at each other and were linked together. They could then jump in sequence and were able to escape through high-placed doors. They burst into a new room but were again confronted by enemies, this time thousands of turrets that fires lasers in their direction. Semievil activated several cheat codes and the NeS Heroes were powered up, invincible and given infinite weapons to use on the turrets, allowing them to make short work of the room. When they were done the codes deactivated and they went into yet another room. But once again they faced enemies, now Rubber Duckies with lasers attached to their head[MT ref 26]. The editor of the "level" had accidentally placed a shield between them and the rubber duckies, protecting the heroes from harm. Above the duckies, Antestarr spotted a sack of boulders tied to the ceiling. He threw a knife, cut the rope and the duckies were crushed by the boulders. Gebohq scoffed at the level editors poor skills when he noticed the doors with the sign declaring "This way to the sword"[MT ref 27]. Another sign, this one in neon, proclaimed that the creator was none other than "Semievil333". Semievil admitted that he was young and drunk when he made the level. When they entered they found a case spotlighted at the centre of the room. However this was not the legendary Porkus Malorkus, it was actually the Sporkus Malorkus instead[MT ref 27]. Semievil checked his tome and realised that the Sporkus Malorkus was the Porkus Malorkus that had been transformed into the sporkus variety when the heroes had activated the SPORK patch earlier. He also noted that activating the SPORK patch would also cause a self-destruct to activate on the Sporkus Malorkus with a timer of five minutes. Semievil checked his watch and declared fuq. Krig used his waraxe to smash through walls as the heroes fled the fortress and leapt away from the explosion. As the dust settled they were able to locate the hilt of the sword, which was apparently the malorkus aspect of the complete weapon. They just had to reattach the porkus blade and they would have the true legendary weapon[MT ref 28].
Even after they escaped the fortress, Kirg was still trying to attack imaginary villains - until he hit himself with the blunt side of his axe and started to run around with his tailbone in pain. Gebohq moved to take the malorkus but Maybe reminded him that he might turn into a pig. Gebohq declared that he was the paladin and leader of the NeS Heroes, to which everyone began to argue. Semievil declared that it was he who was the leader, not Gebohq. Then Uncle Tusk chimed in that he was the leader, but everybody laughed at him. In the end, Gebohq tried to prove himself the leader by taking the hilt;
"Geb[ohq]: "You people can't see past your noses. I lead this group, and I'm gonna prove it!"
Geb[ohq] grabs the Malorkus, and promptly turns into a pig.
Geb[ohq]/pig: "Oink-Oops" ~ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #270 written by Krig the Writer.
This, again, is the beginning of Gebohq rise to being the Main Character throughout the Never-ending Story and much of the Never-ending Story2, despite him being proven unworthy of the Porkus Malorkus[MT ref 29]. MaybeChild, showing her feminist streak, states that everyone else is an idiot on account of them being male and she snatched the malorkus from Gebohq after using a clerical spell to return him to his human form. She, unlike Gebohq, did not transform into a pig. This made her giddy[MT ref 30]. The Otter, in response to Maybe's feminist approach, takes the opposite stance and made a chauvinistic joke that everyone in the group should have a sword, so Maybe needed the malorkus. When Krig, confused, pointed out that he didn't have a sword but an axe, this only prompted more laughter from the other men of the group[MT ref 31]. Semievil then used Krig's axe, which he had to take by force using a water elemental as Krig refused to give it up, and a holy hand grenade[Ext Ref 17] from Gebohq. He put them both into a box, pulling the pin from the grenade just before doing so. The resulting explosion of holiness and metal was the porkus blade. Through ritual, Semievil was able to combine the blade with the hilt. He then covered the hilt in lace. He did this to stop Maybe from turning into a pig. He explained that Gebohq turned into a pig because a paladin, according to Dungeons and Dragons rules, is unable to use a blunt force weapon. Deeming him, therefore, unworthy of using the hilt alone. Now that the sword was complete, however, clerics, who are bound to blunt force objects, are unable to wield slash-based weapons and therefore she would need her hand to be protected[MT ref 32].
There is a brief cut to the Writers' Realm when Gebohq asked to be turned back into a human instead of a pig, but Gebohq the Writer has gone out to lunch. Gebohq then begged MaybeChild to turn him back instead. This post came after the previous post created by MaybeChild the Writer and was likely retconned, rewritten, as Gebohq the Writer missed the previous Writer's inclusion of turning Gebohq into a human already. These kinds of mistakes are common throughout the NeS due to multiple Writers writing together. Maybe then turned on the SPORK patch, resulting in a spork appearing at the end of the hilt and she declared that she now had a double-ended weapon. It was Antestarr that reminded her of the five-minute self-destruct but they ultimately agreed that Ares' Pay-per-view, introduced in the previous Story Arc The Fight of the Century of the Week, ratings would go up if they were on a timer for the quest to defeat Totallyevil[MT ref 33]. When Gebohq mentioned reaching the end, Krig panicked believing he meant The End[MT ref 34]. Gebohq reassured Krig that he meant the end of the Story Arc with Totallyevil, at which point the others grumbled about having to write some more[MT ref 35]. This is another early example of the Writers being mixed up with the Characters. After Gebohq and The Otter became embroiled in a bitter argument about pigs wielding the Porkus Malorkus and possibly turning into humans, the heroes eventually managed to walk back to Stonehenge. Because they took several days to do so, Totallyevil hadn't waited there for them but left a note where to find them - Disney World[MT ref 36].
There, at Disney World, Totallyevil was begging to go on the rides and her father indulged by using a fleet of cyber-pidgeons to scare away the other customers. Also present, and briefly mentioned, was Merlin who had gotten himself lost[MT ref 36]. Semievil then complained that the story was going nowhere and transformed himself back, out of his Dungeons & Dragons class, back into his usual skeletal self. He announced that his plan was to shoot everything, Maybe kill Totallyevil, Otter use his druidic powers to put plants into everything and then everyone could go on the rides. However, because Maybe is a cleric she instinctively banished the undead Semievil, who collapsed in a pile of bones. Krig, impressed, began clapping enthusiastically[MT ref 37]. Krig suddenly stopped clapping and ran away, leaving everyone else wondering where he thought he was going. In the end they decided he must be going to Disney World the long away, all around the world until he reached the other side. The group then decided to follow the Viking.[MT ref 38]. Antestarr reminded everyone that the Porkus Malorkus was going to explode in five minutes. Semievil then pointed out that the planet Namek[Ext Ref 18], from the Dragon Ball[Ext Ref 19] TV series, took twenty episodes, each at thirty minutes, to supposedly also explode in five minutes[MT ref 39]. A brief look to Canada and it is revealed that the demon who was declared head barrister, High Imp, was now Prime Minister of Canada[MT ref 38].
Massassi Temple References
- ↑ NeS Page #6, NeS Post #229, written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #6, NeS Post #237, written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 NeS Page #6, NeS Post #240, written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #241, written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #6, NeS Post #228, written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #242, written by MaybeChild the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #243, written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #244, written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #245, written by MaybeChild the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #247, written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #248, written by MaybeChild the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #250 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #253 written by Semievil the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #254 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ 15.0 15.1 NeS Page #7, NeS Post #255 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #256 written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #257 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #260 written by The Otter the Writer.
- ↑ 19.0 19.1 NeS Page #7, NeS Post #263 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #261 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ 21.0 21.1 NeS Page #7, NeS Post #262 written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ 22.0 22.1 NeS Page #7, NeS Post #264 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #265 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #266 written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #267 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #267 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ 27.0 27.1 NeS Page #7, NeS Post #268 written by Antestarr the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #269 written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #270 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #271 written by MaybeChild the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #272 written by TheOtter the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #273 written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #274 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #275 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #276 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ 36.0 36.1 NeS Page #7, NeS Post #277 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #278 written by Semievil333 the Writer.
- ↑ 38.0 38.1 NeS Page #7, NeS Post #279 written by Krig the Writer.
- ↑ NeS Page #7, NeS Post #280 written by Gebohq the Writer.
- ↑ Geneva Conventions article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Dungeons & Dragons article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Character class (Dungeons & Dragons) article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ SRD Cleric article, D&D Wiki.
- ↑ Necromancer article, D&D Wiki.
- ↑ John Shaft article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Elemental article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Christian Cross article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Star of David article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Paladin article, D&D Wiki.
- ↑ Galactic Empire (Star Wars) article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Level (video gaming) article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Stormtrooper (Star Wars) article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ All Terrain Scout Transport article, Wookieepedia.
- ↑ Cheating in video games article, Cheat Codes section, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Lag article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Rabbit of Caerbannog article, Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch section, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Namek article, Dragon Ball Wiki.
- ↑ Dragon Ball article, Wikipedia.