NeS3 Post 1 opens the new Never-ending Story 3-D and includes a brief introduction to the concept of NeS writing by Gebohq the Writer, encouraging everyone to take part and not to worrying about amateurish works. In the Story, Chris the Bad Guy has arrived to, once again, harass Losien Simon who is trying to watch paint dry - a far more important task than she deems battling Chris. They are on the new home of the NeS Heroes, which is known as "The Ditch" and is a small island between New Zealand and Australia. Losien asks if she should call his mother to come and pick him up, but Chris declares not this time as he will summon aid. First he summons several over-weight men, later dubbed The Otakus, led by Edgelord. Losien kicks Edgelord between the legs and is resigned to calling everyone else's mothers to collect them too. Christ then also summons a group of space-pirates led by Captain Pleiades, who brandishes her ray gun. Christ attempts to summon Yama, a great lord of death, but Chris only gets his answering machine. Instead he finally summons a whole group of Australian-clown-robots, led by Robo-ringmaster. The Narrator is then reminded that even the Writers don't know what's going to happen next and the Narrator then criticises the term "3D" for the title. Gebohq the Writer closes with thanks to several other Writers for helping with this new introduction and suggests that new Writers check out the NeS Workshop thread and the Character Art thread.


(Non-Story Note: Welcome to the Never-ending Story Thread 3-D, where everything's made up on the spot and the plots don't matter! This collaborative story, known shorthand as NeS, thrives on anything and everything, from anyone and everyone! After all, professionals are predictable, and this world is full of amateurs, so hold onto your butts...)


Chris the Bad Guy: “Want some cheese and crackers before I TOTALLY DESTROY YOU TO ITTY-BITTY PIECES?”

Losien: “Not now, Chris. I don’t have time for your bad guy games.”

As Losien says this, she turns back to watch paint dry. Literally. Chris the Bad Guy stares  incredulously at Losien, who wears a light brown pair of painter’s overalls that cover a pewter shirt along with the rest of her usual outfit for hero duties. He also notices her light auburn hair pulled back, revealing a light scar that clips the end of her left eyebrow and runs to her left temple. Her brown eyes don’t bother to look at him as she focuses on renovations.

Chris turns his attention briefly to the space they’re in, which currently seems more like a giant hole in the ground fit for maybe three dozen people practicing pilates than an epic arena of decades past. However, with parts of the walls and floor exposing once-secret compartments of now dilapidated mechanized obstacles, even Chris can tell this place once trained heroes of old. The same apparent age shows throughout the whole derelict base of operations -- this training pit making up just a small portion -- and the whole thing sprawls on a tiny island in the waters between Australia and New Zealand affectionately known as The Ditch. He knows Losien bought the place some years ago on a seriously heavy discount, since it’s now a magnet for anybody to magically appear when you least want them. Ever since then, he’s been harassing her here whenever he’s had the chance.

As for Chris himself, he’s about as noteworthy as used cardboard and yet, pocketing his hands into his ‘cool’ leather jacket, remains unwaveringly convinced he’s the biggest bad to ever walk the earth.

Chris the Bad Guy: “I’ll have you know I’m the biggest bad to ever walk the earth! I don’t play games, Losien.”

His phone watch chimes, and Losien hears Chris talking to himself in excitement over the news of another Super Mario[Ext 1] game coming out.

Losien: “If you say so. Should I call your mom to pick you up?”

Chris the Bad Guy: “Not this time! I’ll be calling my super-cool bad guy friends in! To destroy you, I mean, not to pick me up.”

Losien: “You have friends?”

On cue, Chris presses a button on his phone-watch and a half-dozen overweight guys in trenchcoats and trilbys crawl out of the open floor hatches, each wielding bright neon katanas crafted by the finest mall vendors. The heaviest and cringiest of them steps forward, holding his blade towards Losien’s neck.

Edgelord: “I, Edgelord, will show m’lady why she isn’t a special snowflake and shouldn’t look down upon nice guys like us and our friend, Chris!”

Losien: “Really?”

Unfazed by the threat, she steps on the spade end of a shovel, and the handle springs up square into his crotch, leaving him to stagger back in pain.

Losien: “Now I have to call six other people’s moms.”

Chris the Bad Guy: “I’m not done calling friends though!”

Losien: “Ugh...”

He presses a button on his phone-watch again. The massive skylight above shatters, and ten space pirates, each more alien than the last, slide down high-tech ropes lowering from an unseen spaceship. One of the aliens hardly bothers with the ropes, appearing more like a blob than a creature.

Losien: “I just fixed that!”

Their captain, a blue-skinned woman with an eyepatch and a peg leg, unholsters a big, red ray gun straight from a 1930s sci-fi[Ext 2] pulp and brandishes it at Losien. She, in turn, grabs a nearby trash can lid as a makeshift shield.

Captain Pleiades: “Your goods and your life will be forfeit to me - Captain Pleiades - and me crew, the scourge of the Seven Sisters Star System!”

Losien: “Who are you people?!”

Chris the Bad Guy: “She just introduced herself. Didn’t you listen?.”

Losien: “Right. So, uh, you see, the way my day's set up, I'm kind of busy now--”

Chris the Bad Guy: “Oh sure, I’ll just leave with my crew here… NOT! Time to call up a lord of death!”

Losien: “Wait, what?”

Before Losien can process it further, Chris presses a button on his phone-watch once more. Everything falls still as a tiny ringtone proceeds, with an even tinier automated message following.

Automated Message: “You have reached the number for -- YAMA, LORD OF DEATH AND PRESIDENT OF THE HELLO KITTY[Ext 3] FAN CLUB -- who is currently unable to answer at this time. Please leave a message after the beep.”

As the message begins to beep, Chris hangs up.

Chris the Bad Guy: “Heh, well then… uh, I didn’t want to have to do this, but I have no choice but to call the most evil of them all instead!”

Closing his eyes, he presses a button one last time. Two tiny clown cars races in from exposed exit ways on either side of the former training room, and from the cars, fourteen Australian clown-robots of different shapes and sizes parade their way out of the cars and into the ever-more-crowded floor space. Their ringmaster, holding an Ethernet cable whip in their hand, bows before Losien.

Robo-Ringmaster: “G’day.”

Losien: “…”

Edgelord: “That’s not very intimidating.”

Captain Pleiades: “She looks terrified to me.”

Chris the Bad Guy: “Australians scare me too, to be honest.”

Everyone gives Chris a look.

Chris the Bad Guy: “What? Are you guys waiting for something?”

Not having a better answer, the horde of bad guys turn their attention to Losien. She examines her options from behind her trash can lid as she sees the numbers aren’t adding up in her favor, to say the least. While admirably holding a fearless facade, Losien can’t help but doubt herself as she used to so often before, and so falls back on what her own personal hero would do.

Losien: “I’ back in a bit.”

She Losien promptly runs for it.

It should be noted that her personal hero is a coward.

How will Losien get out of this mess she’s in? Will anyone arrive to help her in her time of need? Does anyone actually know what’s going on here? Find out in the next installment of The Never-ending Story 3-D!

...and the writers are reminding me that they, in fact, have no idea what's happening next as they’ve made up everything in this post just now on the spot, and they need help making up whatever those answers may be. Way to ruin the suspension of disbelief, writers. Also, for the record, this humble narrator thinks 3-D is an awful gimmick.


(Non-Story Note: Thank you to Al, Bokken, Britt, Lib, and my sister for helping out on this post! If you want to discuss, work out anything for this story or otherwise get involved, please check out the NeS Workshop thread, and if you jump into writing -- and please do -- learn about how you can get free character art requests in the character art request thread!)


External References

  1. Super Mario article, Wikipedia.
  2. Science-fiction article, Wikipedia.
  3. Hello Kitty article, Wikipedia.
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