In NeS2 Post 1755 the Arkng Thand continues to read Britt: The Legend. Britt wakes up in a tomb where he's being dug out by Cathia Imperator. She was asked to dig him out by a mysterious man that was likely The Negotiator, who granted Britt immortality in NeS2 Post 1754. However he has woken up three years after his original demise in the slave revolt. He doesn't know what to do and Cathia reveals that she wants to take over the world so he offers to help by using his charisma, which she lacks. They decide to find Nyneve and ask her to join so they invoke Zeus for help, who grants them a ship and a crew. When they reach the docks they find Septimus has just won a ship in a bet, along with the crew and the captain's bearded wife; Dave (bearded lady).
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Britt the Legend: Chapter Six[]
Britt groaned and clutched his head. A deep throbbing seemed to reverberate his entire being. Everything around him was dark and he found it difficult to breathe. He tried to sit up.
THUNK!
Britt: "Ow, buggery..."
He smacked his head against something. He felt upwards to find he was in an enclosed, cramped space. He then realised that the pounding in his head was literary pounding through his whole body - the wooden frame surrounding him was pounding. He began to bang his fists wildly against the wood above him and shouted at the top of his lungs.
The banging ceased and Britt shouted again. As he continued to shout, the pounding began again in earnest - quicker and harder.
After some unusual sounds above there was a final thud, much closer this time, and then a moment of silence. Britt panted heavily, nervously. Then, suddenly, there was a blaze of light that burnt his eyes. Relief came as a figure blotted out the light, surrounding this dark silhouette with bright, seemingly holy, light.
Voice: "You're alive after all..."
Britt: "Imperator?"
Cathia Imperator: "I admit, I had my doubts when I was told to dig you up... but here you are."
She thrust the wood from above him and helped him to sit up. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at his surroundings. He was in a grave.
Cathia Imperator: "Sorry about the daylight. I did come in the evening, but it was a bugger finding where you'd been buried. Surprised old Simonius agreed to bury you at all, but apparently his wife had asked for you to be buried with her. Of course she thought you'd be alive. I suppose she was a traditionalist in that respect."
Britt spluttered with shock.
Britt: "I-I'm dead!?"
Cathia Imperator: "Apparently not."
Britt: "I'm not a-- a--"
Cathia Imperator: "I have no idea what you are, to be frank. But whatever you are, you're evidently blessed. I don't know if you died and came back, or if you never died at all. You looked dead. Found your body myself."
Britt: "There was a weird man. Offered me a contract."
Cathia Imperator: "That sounds ominous. Probably the same man that told me to dig you up."
She helped him out of the coffin and then out of the pit where she'd jumped down. The sunlight was shining through the open doors to the Simonius family tomb. He glanced around and saw the graves of both Junia and Locretia, side-by-side.
Britt: "I don't think they should have been buried together..."
Cathia Imperator: "Why? They were supposed to be best friends before Junia was killed by a slave."
Britt: "I think she was killed by Locretia herself..."
Britt looked down sadly at Locretia's grave. She may have had her dark side, but Britt couldn't dismiss his own selfish feelings for her.
Cathia Imperator: "Strange, why would you think that?"
Britt: "I found her standing over the body of Junia, knife in hand. And Askia said he could feel death upon her."
Cathia Imperator: "Circumstantial, surely? She told me she killed the slave that had killed Junia. The man had stabbed Junia and then chased Locretia into the next room where she managed to use a heavy ornament to club him to death. She was horrified by her own actions - even if they were in self-defence - and never told anyone save me. She thought I would understand. I did."
Britt stared at Imperator in disbelief.
Britt: "But you only have her word?"
Cathia Imperator: "True. So which would you prefer to believe?"
Britt grit his teeth, hating himself. The leather-clad Imperator turned away from him with a dramatic swoop of his cloak and marched out of the tomb. Britt took a few moments to gather himself before he followed her. Once outside he had to admire the beauty of Roman architecture as the two of them passed by the various family tombs of the cemetery.
Cathia Imperator: "Locretia was much more tolerable than the new mistress of the house, I must admit."
Britt: "New mistress? The Master has a new wife already!? I thought he moved fast last time, but this is just crazy!"
Cathia Imperator: "Ah... you haven't a clue how long it's been, have you?"
Britt: "...I don't like the sound of that."
Cathia Imperator: "It's been three years."
Britt: "By the gods!"
Cathia Imperator: "You know, if you keep shouting at the gods they'll probably come down here and spank your arse."
Britt decided that sounded fairly enjoyable depending on which god he envoked. Three years was a long time. How had he survived? Was he truly dead?
Britt: "Am I a zombie!?"
Cathia Imperator: "What's a zombie?"
Britt went to answer, then realised he didn't know.
Cathia Imperator: "Well, whatever the case, you're free now. I really only showed up out of morbid curiosity. I really expected to find your decaying corpse."
Britt stared at her incredulously.
Britt: "And you still dug me up?"
Cathia Imperator: "I meant morbid literally."
Britt: "Truly disturbing..."
Cathia Imperator: "Goodbye, Britticus."
Britt: "Wait, wait, you're just going to leave me here? Shouldn't I come with you?"
Cathia Imperator shook her head with disbelief and mild exasperation at Britt's lack of foresight.
Cathia Imperator: "Simonius thinks you're dead, you're not reported as missing, no one will look for you. In fact, only I know you're alive. You're a free man once again. Take it."
Britt blinked. A surge of elation was welling within him, but it was corked by a sudden sense of displacement. He didn't know what to do by himself. A whole world of nothingness. He remembered his life before he was a slave and it was not pleasant. He had been better off as a slave rather than dying of starvation or disease in the streets. Yet he was now more world-weary. He understood things that he couldn't as a boy. He could do this!
Britt: "But wait, what about Septimus and Nyneve?"
Cathia Imperator: "No idea."
Britt: "So they escaped? They're alive?"
Cathia Imperator: "They certainly did escape, yes. Other than that, I don't know where they are or if they're alive."
Britt: "Right..."
Alive, possibly immortal but alone.
Britt: "Why do you work for Simonius?"
Cathia Imperator: "Got to have money, Britticus. It's the law of the world."
Britt: "But surely there's better work you could do?"
Imperator raised an eyebrow.
Cathia Imperator: "I mostly stand around doing nothing and get paid a lot of money for it. All on the off-chance someone tries to kill Simonius, which is surprisingly infrequent. It's not my dream job, but it's a good one."
Britt: "And what would be your dream job?"
She smiled for the first time since he'd met her. It was strangely bitter-sweet, feminine but sinister.
Cathia Imperator: "To conquer the world."
Britt: "Wow... that's quite the... ambition."
Cathia Imperator: "You asked."
Britt: "If you were a slave and you found yourself suddenly free. What would you do?"
Cathia Imperator: "Conquer the world."
Britt rolled his eyes.
Cathia Imperator: "Fine. I imagine I'd go back to my homeland."
Britt: "This gods-forsaken place is my homeland."
Cathia Imperator: "In that case, I would form my own band of merry men and rob the rich."
Britt: "And give to the poor?"
Cathia Imperator: "No! Why the bollocks would I do that!?"
Britt: "I don't know, it just sounded like something that should be done... I'm not sure if I'm the bandit-type, to be honest."
Cathia Imperator: "I saw the fires of violence within you, Britticus. It lingers within."
Britt: "I don't like that sound of that at all."
Cathia Imperator: "You seem to dislike a lot of things you hear. Maybe you need to adjust yourself to suit the reality around you."
Britt: "... or, if I did conquer the world, I could adjust reality to suit me."
Cathia Imperator: "You can't steal my dream, Britt. Get one of your own."
Britt: "Why don't you conquer the world, Imperator?"
Cathia Imperator: "I would need an army. Everything begins somewhere."
Britt: "How would you get an army?"
Cathia Imperator: "Well, you need to be charismatic to draw people to your cause."
Britt stared at Imperator.
Cathia Imperator: "I have plenty of charisma!"
Britt continued to stare at her.
Cathia Imperator: "Okay, maybe my charisma needs a little work."
Britt: "Or maybe you need someone else to be charismatic on your behalf?"
Cathia Imperator: "I'm kind of used to doing things by myself."
Britt: "So you want everyone to follow you and work for your ideals, but you don't want people to help you so..."
Cathia Imperator: "I'm aware of the paradox."
Britt: "So why don't I help you on your quest? That could be my new place in life?"
Cathia Imperator: "You and what army?"
Britt shrugged.
Britt: "That's what my charisma is for."
Cathia Imperator: "You do have a strange kind of charisma about you. I wouldn't have said you were especially charismatic to begin with, but you do draw people to you. You even got me to talk to you, so you must have something..."
Britt: "So... it's a deal?"
Cathia Imperator: "Fine. I suppose I'm not getting any younger. Plus, to be honest, I was beginning to get a bit flabby working for Simonius with so little to do all the time. We start in my homeland of Armenia."
Britt: "Great! Maybe we should try to find Septimus and Nyneve first? I'm sure they'd join us."
Cathia Imperator: "Not sure about that, but I'm happy to do it. I think it's a good place to start this. Give us a bit of experience with something easier."
Britt: "So where do we start?"
Cathia Imperator: "They're your friends, how should I know?"
Britt: "Well, I know Nyneve is from Briton. Maybe she went there?"
Cathia Imperator: "You want me to travel all the way to Briton? Are you out of your mind?"
Britt: "Hey, you want to conquer the world, right? You'd have to get there at some point anyway!"
She put her hands on her hips.
Cathia Imperator: "And do you own a ship? Do you even know where that land is, how big it is, how safe it is?"
Britt: "I suppose we need to do a bit of research first... Or invoke the gods!"
Cathia Imperator: "That's a terrible idea."
Britt: "Come on! I'm sure they'd be happy to help! All good adventure stories have gods helping the heroes!"
Cathia Imperator: "But they don't usually help foreign heroes who plan to conquer Rome itself."
Britt: "I suppose so. Plus the gods usually act like spoilt kids and treat humans like their personal playthings."
Cathia Imperator: "You shouldn't have said that."
There was a crack of thunderous wrath and the sky above the cemetery turned dark. A second strike of lightning fired to the earth, this time just a metre from Britt and Imperator. Britt leapt in fright, straight into the arms of Imperator. She growled and dropped him like a stone.
Britt: "Ouch..."
Zeus: "I'll give you something to 'ouch' about in a minute, you ungrateful little sod!"
Britt: "Wow! Zeus himself!"
Zeus: "Of course! The lightning should have given it away."
Britt: "Fair point. Is it too late to say I'm sorry about using the gods' names in vain?"
Zeus: "You, human, don't release everything we did for you!"
Britt: "Uh... you're right... I don't."
Zeus: "We spared your life so many time by altering things down here, we granted you clemency from the wrath of many people who ought to have lobbed off your head for a variety of reasons and all you can do is complain about how we somehow wronged you!"
Britt: "So... your idea of helping me was to make me a slave to Simonius?"
Zeus: "You got to meet Locretia didn't you?"
Britt: "Who was someone else's wife..."
Zeus: "Yeah well, I do that all the time! What's the problem?"
Britt: "You really don't understand humans very well, do you?"
Zeus: "I don't need to understand you, I just need to know what's good for you!"
Britt: "Sleeping with my Master's wife was good for me?"
Zeus: "Of course! Had fun, didn't you?"
Britt: "Not really the point..."
Zeus: "You got status, respect, love and affection."
Britt tried to think of a rebuttal beyond 'but I wasn't free', but nothing else sprang to mind. Unfortunately he knew freedom wasn't exactly high on a gods' list of importance. Sex was usually number one, and vengeance was usually second.
Britt: "And you sent The Negotiator to save me from death, I expect?"
Zeus: "We bloody did not! Gods-damned wild card, that one."
Cathia Imperator: "Did you just damn yourself?"
Zeus: "Quiet you, unless you want me to alter your destiny so that you'll wind up being eaten alive by angry gerbils."
Cathia Imperator, for the first time, looked horrified.
Zeus whipped out a cigarette and popped it into his mouth. He lit the end with a lightning bolt that shot out of the sky - overkill much?
Zeus: "Don't think you're safe from my wrath, Narrator, or I'll have your ethereal bollocks in a vice."
Zeus is such a great god. Everyone loves Zeus.
Zeus: "Better."
Britt: "Who're you talking to? And what's that in your mouth?"
Zeus: "For me to know and you to find out in a few centuries."
Britt: "Uh... right. So are you going to help us conquer the world!?"
Zeus: "I came here to chastise you!"
Britt: "Okay, but you've done that now. So can we have your help?"
Zeus drew a long drag on his cigarette as he contemplated. Ash fell into his long, white and curly beard.
Zeus: "Alright, bugger it. Fine. What do you want me to do?"
Britt: "We want a boat!"
Cathia Imperator: "He means a ship! A big one!"
Britt: "Aye, what she said."
Cathia Imperator: "And a crew for it!"
Britt: "Oh yeah, good thinking."
Zeus: "Done."
Britt and Imperator look around expectantly for a few minutes.
Zeus: "Stupid. A ship in the middle of dry land isn't going to do you much good, is it? I can plonk it here if you want me too, though..."
Britt: "No no! Thank you oh Heavenly Father!"
Zeus: "Don't call me that. That's just weird."
Britt: "Okay... chief... bossman. Where should we find our boat and crew?"
Zeus: "The docks, where else? Of course, you don't just get the ship. Your destiny is to get a ship and crew, so you have to work for it."
Cathia Imperator: "I knew it was too easy."
Zeus: "I can take it back, you know?"
Cathia Imperator: "I meant to say, that's perfect! I like to work for what I receive anyway."
Zeus: "Good human. Alright, you two go and enjoy your little destinies then. I have to teach a Princess about the ills of chastity."
With that he exploded in a flurry of electrical sparks that crackle and sizzle through the air, making both Imperator and Britt's hair hand on end.
Cathia Imperator: "That went well."
Britt: "Yeah. I'm surprised really. We should probably do something about our hair before we go to the docks though..."
Arkng Thand: "Even today, the gods like to dabble. It's probably for the best they're not as... widely spread as they once were."
Thand taps his chin in reconsideration.
Arkng Thand: "There again, perhaps having so many potent beings in a one place isn't such a great idea either..."
Britt and Imperator reached the docks and began wandering with no idea where to go. They kept inspecting ships to see if anything suggested it belonged to them.
Septimus: "Imperator! What're you doing here?"
They turned to see Septimus with a large bottle of wine in his hand. He squinted at Britt.
Septimus: "Who's your boyfriend?"
Cathia Imperator: "Britticus."
Britt: "And we're not dating, Septimus."
Septimus beamed drunkenly.
Septimus: "Wow, his name's Britticus too? What're the chances? You know, my bestest friend was called Britticus? Of course, he hated to be called that, always insisted on--"
Britt: "Britt."
Septimus: "That's right! You too!? Must be a thing for all Britticuses. Britticusi... Britticusae..."
Cathia Imperator: "It's the same Britt. He's back."
Septimus: "Like he just went on holiday, eh?"
Cathia Imperator: "What're you doing here?"
Septimus: "Funny you should ask! I just met this sea captain guy and he bought me a drink after I insulted his wife because she has a beard and then I think we gambled for his ship and I won so I am the captain even though I can't sail a ship and then..."
He finally ran out of breath and began wheezing.
Britt: "You own a ship?"
Septimus: "I think so! I think I also won his wife... including her beard."
Britt: "Disturbing..."
Cathia Imperator: "So you got the crew too?"
Septimus shrugged.
Britt: "Which boat is it?"
Septimus stumbled towards the nearest ship, squinted at it and then declared with his arms wide;
Septimus: "Must be this one!"
He stomped on-board and announced to the crew, who were preparing the ship to sail, that he was their new captain. The crewmen continued working with suspicious and confused faces.
Woman's Voice: "It's true lads! The Captain gambled her away and this skinny little man won. Ship's his, as am I!"
The "woman" was very large, both in height and bulk. She wore a loose shirt and trousers but her most noticeable feature was the black beard on her face. Britt's eyes roved from the large breasts she had to the large beard she also had, and back again.
Britt: "By the gods... what kind of monster is this!?"
Septimus: "This is my new wife, apparently. Her name's Dave."
Britt: "Riiiiiiiiiiight..."
Dave: "Nice to meet a friend of my husband's. So, loverboy, shall we retire to the Captain's cabin?"
Septimus: "Is there more booze in there?"
Dave: "Of course!"
Septimus: "Then yes! Set sail men!! Weigh anchor!!! Lay a course!!! Swab the decks!!! Release the hounds!!!"
Crewman #1: "Uh... we don't have hounds... but we can lay a course. Where to, captain?"
Septimus: "Neverland[Ext 1]!!"
The crew all exchange glances.
Britt: "He means Briton!"
Septimus: "What the Britt clone said!"
The crewmen got to work while Dave and Septimus went off for some alone time in the Captain's Cabin.
Cathia Imperator: "He's going to wake up screaming..."
Britt: "Yeah... Zeus has a twisted sense of humour."