Leg Post 9 sees the crew of Camelot taking a respite as the Knights of the Round Table engage in a space race with Sir Robin on commentary and the King and Queen, along with Sir Kay, spectating. Sir Bedivere knocks himself out of the race when he starts listing of a list of undead creatures when Arthur confessed he couldn't tell them all apart. The racers race along the planet Tress, right along the River Split, and then on toward the planet Trogdor, which had had its atsmophere stripped away. In the audience, Lady Bertilak tries to beat Sir Kay with her shoe for making crude jokes. On the route back, Lancelot, who was in first, crashes into Bedivere and loses the race. Sir Gawain comes in first, Sir Aggravain second and Sir Bors is third. Camelot then sets course for the planet Coruscant.


Space Camelot

Space Race

Location: Camelot | Space

Characters: Queen Guinevere | King Arthur | Sir Lancelot du Lac | Sir Gawain | Sir Kay | Sir Robin Dagonet | Sir Bedivere | Sir Bors | Lady Bertilak

Guinevere: "On your marks..."

King Arthur: "... what are marks?"

Guinevere: "Get set!"

King Arthur: "Does that mean get ready? Why not say get ready?"

Guinevere: "GO!"

King Arthur and Guinevere have managed to find a room that is made up of one gigantic monitor - all four walls and the ceiling and the floor. They, and several others, stand to watch the newest spectacle of Space Britain - fighter races. Many of the Knights of the Round Table had taken up fighters to replace their horses when not on the ground and, being knights, found a new way to prove their valour.

Sir Lancelot du Lac speeds into first place in an instant. His ship is long a sleek with a shiny exterior coat. To gain some extra speed the fighter opens two nacelles that gleam with red plasma and burn brightly. The craft, named Berić, blasts off ahead of the pack by far. Second, though by a great margin, is Sir Gawain and his own fighter named Gringolet. Unlike Berić, which is slim and sleek, Gringolet is a chunky monster of a craft. It has a snubbed nose and a total of six wings - three on either side. Each wing, however, has its own nacelle that growls with green energy and prompts the machine to a tremendous speed once it picks up some momentum. It is painted sky blue with a cool-face emoji stuck on its rear for everyone behind to be angered by.

King Arthur: "Lancelot is going to win. Was there ever any doubt?"

Sir Kay: "He tends to blow his load quite quick though."

Silence reigns.

Sir Kay: "I didn't mean-- I mean, I don't know what happens in his-- I meant the ship, okay!?"

King Arthur: "Why aren't you racing, you layabout!?"

Sir Kay: "Why aren't you racing!?"

King Arthur: "Because I'm king! They'd let me win."

Sir Kay: "I wouldn't!"

King Arthur: "You're not even racing!"

Sir Kay: "Oh yeah."

King Arthur: "Admit it, Kay. You knew you'd lose!"

Sir Kay: "Absolutely I'd lose! Bedivere is out there! He'd probably insult some alien space monster's mother and get us torn to pieces!"

Queen Guinevere: "You're always having such marvellous adventures, Sir Kay. If only every knight were as gallant as you and Sir Bedivere..."

Sir Kay: "Uh... gallant. Sure. We totally try to get into trouble all the time."

Sir Robin is giving a play-by-play race commentary;

Sir Robin: "And it looks like Lancelot is in first! His famous ship the-- ah-- the Thingy-me-bob is really fast. And there's Sir Galahad-- No, sorry! Sir Gawain! Always getting them mixed up. Why'd they both have names starting with G, huh? And there's Sir Bedivere! Is he going backwards!? Oh, that's the front of the ship? Which way is up in space anyway?"

King Arthur: "I wish he was racing. Maybe he'd crash into an asteroid."

Speaking of, the race course goes straight through a dense asteroid field. The ships weave around the big space rocks. Small pebbles slap against their shields and bounce off.

Queen Guinevere: "Why isn't The Black Knight racing? I thought she would enjoy this."

King Arthur: "She said she's busy being possessed."

Queen Guinevere: "Possessed!?"

King Arthur: "Something like that. Haunted maybe. I don't know. I never could tell undead apart."

Sir Bedivere: "Well, Sire, you have poltergeists, ghosts, ghouls, zombies, vampires--"

Sir Kay: "Focus on the race, idiot boy!"

Sir Bedivere's ship almost slams into a rather large ice-rock.

Sir Bedivere: "--lich, wights, draugrs, wraiths--"

Bedivere's ship then snags its wing on an enormous, and easily-avoided asteroid that he didn't notice, and goes spinning off.

Sir Kay: "Add retarded knights to that list of undead."

Lancelot's ship, still in the lead, bursts from the field and into open space. It lasts but a brief moment as the course then enters a planet's atmosphere. The planet, according to records, is called Tress. It has two distinct populations on it - one in the western hemisphere and one in the east. The two sides have been split by a long river but neither of the two civilisations have yet encroached on that uncharted territory.

The ships dive towards the planet and begin to whizz along the River Split itself. Water kicks up behind Lancelot's nacelles.

Sir Lancelot: "Wahoo!"

King Arthur: "That was a stupid noise, Lancelot. I hereby decree the exclamation wahoo is illegal."

Then Lancelot's red-plasma dissipates and he's left with nothing but his standard rear engines to drive him along. Yet he has an immense lead as he reaches the north pole of the planet and second place, Sir Gawain, only just enters the atmosphere.

King Arthur: "He'll still win."

Sir Kay: "Maybe he'll find a damsel-in-distress and stop racing."

King Arthur: "... Lancelot, the next woman who asks you to save her is, in fact, a transvestite. Don't try to save him."

Sir Lancelot: "Jacques le Bleu!

King Arthur: "... And stop being French!"

Berić jukes in and out of the ice canyons of the north pole and Lancelot turns the ship on its side to give it more room to manoeuvre. Meanwhile Sir Gawain is skating along the water of the River Split but Sir Aggravain is just behind him. Aggravain's ship is small and nimble and coloured completely black. In the dark of space, the ship would be invisible to the naked eye. Aggravain skirts the water closely and attempts to overtake the Gringolet by scraping underneath it. Gawain lowers his craft to block that route, which prompts Aggravain to rise quickly. He skims ahead of Gawain and jiggles his ship's wings in a celebration of victory.

At just that moment a long-legged creature, similar to elephants but much bigger, is striding across the river. The two ships break either way and have to circle around the massive, snorting creature. This shaves off time for the pair of them and allows Sir Bors to take the lead. He makes the daring path through the elephant-creature's legs and reaches second place. His own craft is flat-shaped and bright white. Sir Kay referred to it as 'The Dinner Plate' and since then, no matter how much Sir Bors insisted otherwise, The Dinner Plate had caught on amongst the other knights.

Sir Bors: "At least this dinner plate is going to win!"

Sir Kay: "You know you have your communications turned on?"

Sir Bors: "Bollocks!"

Berić makes its ascent, back into space, leaving behind the frozen pole of Tress. The course ran close to one of the planet's many moons. This one was elongated and yellow, making it look like Homer Simpson's[Ext 1] head - not that anyone knew who that was. The ship cruised close to the moon's craters, which gave an odd face-like quality to the asteroid, before his ship blasted off towards the dead planet of Trogdor.

Once a healthy and vibrant world, Trogdor's atmosphere was stripped away and only its burning core was left to orbit the Tress System's sun. Trogdor is in a constant state of burnination.

The Dinner Plate whizzes through the ice canyon's of Tress' north pole, closely followed by Sir Aggravain and Sir Gawain.

Sir Bors: "This will be a tight squeeze!"

Sir Kay: "Ha! That's what she said!"

Lady Bertilak: "Disgraceful!"

Sir Kay: "Was it you that said it then?"

Arthur and Guinevere had to hold Lady Bertilak at bay as the woman tore off a high-heeled shoe and tries to bludgeon Sir Kay with it.

Sir Bors' ship turns on its side and is able to get through some of the smallest passages available.

Sir Kay: "Smallest passages, hahaha! I bet! Hahahaha!"

Lady Bertilak: "Laughing to yourself now? Nobody else finds you entertaining, I suppose!"

Sir Kay: "Ya ma finds me entertaining!"

She takes off the other shoe and is head back again by a desperate king and queen.

Sir Bors: "I'm catching up!"

The Dinner Plate reaches the Homer moon.

Sir Kay: "By the way, aren't we supposed to be helping some people against some evil empire?"

King Arthur: "Yes, yes. I couldn't think up a good plan, so this will do for now! After the race, I promise I'll do something proper."

Sir Kay: "Said the Writer..."

King Arthur: "Shhhhh!"

Lancelot slingshots around Trogdor's gravity well and makes the return run. He watches Sir Bors, Aggravain and Gawain go past and gives a little wave through his window.

Sir Aggravain: "Cheeky bastard! I'll give him something to wave at!"

Sir Kay: "That's what she s-- okay I'll stop."

The three latter knights complete their own slingshots. Sir Gawain, having the better engines, manages to come out in front and speeds on. His six wings burn with Trogdor's heat as he skirts the planet's core.

Lancelot, still in first, suddenly crashes into the limping ship of Sir Bedivere. The two ships spin off and plummet towards Homer's moon. There they both crash in a heap.

Sir Kay: "What did I say, eh? He's a walking, or flying, disaster-waiting-to-happen."

He leans forward to speak into the communicator.

Sir Kay: "Well done, Bedivere."

Sir Bedivere: "Lucky this moon was here to break our fall!"

Sir Kay: "That's not how space works."

Sir Lancelot: "What are the rules about duelling to the death!?"

Sir Kay: "Nice knowing you Bedivere."

In the end it is Sir Gawain that takes the lead and passes through the atmosphere of Tress. The return flight is much smoother and he wins by a significant margin. Sir Aggravain comes second and The Dinner Plate, with Sir Bors, comes third.

Queen Guinevere: "Now perhaps we should help those people?"

King Arthur: "On to Corrugated-pants!"

Queen Guinevere: "Coruscant."

King Arthur: "That's what I said!"


External References

  1. Homer Simpson article, Wikipedia.
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