Leg Post 60 takes place in Egyptwarts in Ancient Egypt where Isis teaches four students to use magic. All four are very old both in body and minds, yet often behave like naughty schoolchildren. Hermes Trismegistus is the 'teacher's pet' that often brings Isis an apple each class and was her first student, as in Leg Post 59. Imhoptah, apprentice NeSorcerer since Leg Post 58, has been failing in his classes with Zoroaster and has been set to study up under Isis. Aman Tabiz has the most youthful complexion and has an extremely muscular physique. The only woman is Medea, who has a crush on Aman. Her husband, Jason, died long ago. They are constantly causing trouble in classes and nothing ever seems to go correctly for them, even when educated by guest lecturers - such as the gods Salacia, Zeus, Ares, Artemis or Athena. Being around these gods made Hermes Trismegistus feel that there is something missing in his life but Aman Tabiz encouraged Hermes' humanity and that striving as a human is a greater life of meaning than the pointless lives of gods. Hermes ignores Aman's advice and visits Total Recall, a company able to implant false memories. However it turns out Hermes is already a god and suddenly gods of Mount Olympus are chasing Hermes down. He escapes to Mars where he eventually is freed with the help of Athena. She reveals he is already Hermes, son of Zeus, and that Zeus punished him for some unknown crime to live as a human. Now that he remembers, Zeus has pardoned Hermes. Hermes decides to continue to learn magic on Earth and Athena remembers that Taliesin, after Leg Post 59, is still a cow. Taliesin is last seen trying to board a ship to Brittania but he is a cow with now cash.
The school bell jangles and the students of Egyptwarts trotted along to their class. They sat down on their blue, plastic seats. The seats were attached to the foldable desks which were too small and uncomfortable to work on properly.
Next to him was Imhoptah, more commonly known as Imhotep, who had been sent to the school by his magic tutor, Zoroaster, because of constantly failing in his classes. He always went topless because he had six arms and it was too much of a chore trying to navigate his arms into t-shirts – or x-shirts… or whatever an x is with an extra two lines.
Then followed Aman Tabiz. He appeared to be the youngest of them all, yet he may have been far older than any of them could imagine. He was of the Arabic race but didn’t seem to hold to any Middle-Eastern cultures. He was a powerful man, his muscles giving him the youthful visage that belied his years and though he valued strength and power, he was, above all others, dedicated to improving his mind.
Finally, over to the far left, was the old crone Medea. She had once been a young girl when she fell in love with the hero Jason and became one of the Argonauts that sailed the seas. A hundred years later and she was clinging to life with the help of her magic. She was already competent at the practice but she lacked the knowledge to cultivate her skill and she yearned for secrets to youth and eternal life.
The four of them made up the entire class. Medea, always the naughtiest student, threw a paper aeroplane. She guided it with magic so that it looped around the room and smacked into the back of Aman’s head, who she quite fancied but couldn’t admit it. Aman grabbed the plane and crushed it with his hands, in an aggressive gesture that made it look like he was crushing iron.
When Isis entered the room, Hermes back bolted straight up to attention. Imhotep used one of his hands to pick his nose, the other to scratch his crotch and another to doodle cartoon penises on his textbook.
Isis: “Good morning class.”
Students: “Good morning, Miss Isis!”
She looked pointedly at Medea.
Medea: “What!? Why is it always me!?”
Isis: “You’re always causing trouble, Medea.”
Medea: “So? That doesn’t mean it was me this time!”
Isis: “You’re the only girl.”
Isis: “So today we are going to study velocity of levitation. You all demonstrated the ability to use levitation but not how to gauge the velocity you should use. Which is why Imhoptah wound up going through the roof.”
Imhotep: “It was Aman’s fault. He distracted me!”
Aman: “Don’t blame your ineptitude on others.”
Imhotep: “My ineptitude!? What about yours!? You only managed to levitate, like, an inch from the ground.”
Aman: “It’s my muscles, they make me heavier! It’s not my fault I’m a hunk!”
Medea: “Got that right.”
Medea: “Uh. Nothing.”
She blushed, though much of the reddening was hidden by the wrinkles and the blemishes. The mole that was on her cheek had once been a sensual imperfection that gave her sexual gravitas but was now a monstrous, alien entity that threatened any onlookers.
Despite the unruly, plastic furniture, the walls, floors and ceilings were all sandstone – like a giant, yellow box. The windows were narrow slits and the school was either too hot in the day or too cold in the night. But most important was the concentration of aether in the air. It almost bristled whenever someone just ‘thought’ the word magic. Such a high concentration made it easier to use spells but also made it more potent, leading to a fair few accidents. Imhotep had transformed a camel into a rapid, half-camel, half-velociraptor with demonically possessed farts. Even after dispatching the beast, they were forced to round up the fart-demons as detention. Aman stumbled upon a sentient tome that belonged in hell’s library. The book promptly turned on him and tried to eat Medea and Imhotep when they were practicing star-jumps – those are jumps literally up into the stars and back down again. Isis had to sit on the book for several hours before it relented to going back to hell. Hermes had found himself chased down corridors by invisible, magic badgers, only to discover there were no such thing and he was then mortified that he had been running from the sound of his own shoes on the old stone. A blast of magic from Medea ricocheted into Aman’s crotch, which caused it to double in size. He never requested the magic to be undone.
Sometimes gods would come to visit Isis and give guest lectures. Salacia arrived to teach them in depth detail about saltwater. This latest half of the day and all of the students, even teacher’s pet Hermes, had been bored to sleep. Zeus arrived to teach them about politics but his class soon devolved into sex education, which fascinated all but Hermes, as he went on to explain his dozens of sexual conquests. Ares, Athena and Artemis all arrived to teach practical classes – Ares taught the sword, Athena the spear and Artemis the bow. Aman stabbed a random hippo, Medea skewered a palm tree (rendering herself unconscious when the coconuts fell on her head) and Hermes sent an arrow straight into Imhotep’s left butt cheek. The Jade Emperor arrived all the way from China to teach them the art of tea, however all four students rebelled and took to the way of coffee – this resulted in a civil war that tore Egypt apart for several days before everyone realised Egypt is too damn hot for these drinks and they all turned to orange juice instead.
With all of these gods on show, Hermes felt as though something in his life were missing. He had always believed in the gods but kept them at arm’s length. Now they were in his life on a daily basis. His old mind craved to know what it was to be a god, what it meant to have that power. He confided in Aman, who warned him off the idea. It was better to strive for strength in the mortal world. The gods’ existences were purposeless. Only through the struggle of mortality could greatness be achieved.
And yet it stayed on Hermes’ mind.
He found a company that proclaimed to be able to insert false memories into the mind’s of people, giving them pleasant memories of holidays in Gaul or taking cruises through the Irish Sea. Truly exotic places to the average Egyptian. But Hermes wanted something specific. He requested memories of godhood.
Total Recall Scientist: “Just lie back. It’ll be over in a minute.”
And thus ensued, more of less, the plot of Total Recall. Hermes discovered he was already a god and with that revelation, Zeus sent lesser gods after Hermes. They chased him to Mars where Hermes met a three-boobed Salmitton woman, got chased by a three-armed guy in a taxi and had to kill his wife – although Hermes was sure he’d never had a wife before. At the end, Hermes is saved by the woman, Athena, and as they stood upon the mountain Hermes wasn’t sure if this was all real or if it was just an implanted memory from Total Recall.
Athena: “It’s real.”
Hermes Trismegistus: “Oh. Doesn’t that ruin the mystique of it all?”
Athena: “It would, if this was actually the Total Recall movie. But it’s not. Seems that you were Hermes, the son of Zeus, all this time. He made you live as a human as punishment for some crime.”
Hermes Trismegistus: “And pray, what was that crime?”
Athena: “Honestly, I have no idea. But knowing our father, it was probably something stupid and he probably did it when he was drunk with Bacchus.”
Hermes Trismegistus: “Why am I not surprised? Well, now that my memories have unlocked and I managed to escape Zeus, what do I do?”
Athena: “I talked to father, and he said it’s probably about time you came back to Mount Olympus anyway. So it’s all over. Congratulations.”
Hermes Trismegistus: “Well, I’m glad to be reinstated. But I think I will continue to wander the Earth. My lessons in magic are incomplete.”
Athena: “Do you need them now you’re a god again?”
Hermes Trismegistus: “It’s become a passion of mine. I’ll seek out the most knowledgeable mortal who can share their wisdom with me.”
Athena: “There was Taliesin? Remember him?”
Hermes Trismegistus: “Uh… the cow?”
Athena: “Oh… I guess we forgot to turn him back into a human again… I’d better fix that.”
Still in Egypt, a talking cow is trying to barter passage back to Britannia.
Taliesin: “Please. There’s a magic community there who can surely help me.”
Sailor: “No money, no passage. Even for a cow.”
Taliesin: “I can give you milk?”
Sailor: “Uh… you’re a male cow.”
Taliesin: “…Male cows don’t have milk?”
Sailor: “… no.”
"This post came as the result of a plothole caused by my use of Hermes Trismegistus in Leg Post 59. It had been established in a prior post by Al Ciao the Writer that Hermes Trismegistus was actually Hermes, the god and son of Zeus. This post uses the Total Recall[Ext 1] movie, including a brief joke synopsis of the movie's plot, to explain his being human and subsequent return of his memories as Hermes the god. The magic school reference is also a gag about Hogwarts[Ext 2] of the Harry Potter[Ext 3] franchise. Aman Tabiz is an alter ego of Arkng Thand." ~ Britt the Writer