Leg Post 52 sees the Grecian hero, Perseus, travel to the Isle of Hera where he hopes to find magical weapons to help him slay Medusa. Medusa had been transformed into a monster in Leg Post 51 when she insulted Athena, despite being raped by Poseidon in the Temple of Athena. He has been sent on the quest by his uncle Polydectes if Perseus wants to attend his illustrious party. When he gets to the magical island he meets with Ægle, one of the hesperides that tend to the garden. Ægle is surprised that Perseus would choose a garden to find magical weapons and cannot help him but then Athena appears and offers him several objects to aid in his quest; Harpē, the sword of betrayal, the Helm of Hades, to allow invisibility, and a polished shield, so that Perseus could look upon Medusa without turning to stone. Athena has some reservations about Perseus, thinking him dimwitted, but she acquiesced as she wished to redeem her own ill actions against Medusa. He goes to the caves near Athens and cuts off Medusa's head. She then transforms into a pegasus, freed from her hatred, and is ready to do good. Perseus uses a machine gun to kill her Gorgon sisters, who then return to their human forms. Together, Medusa and Perseus travel to the island of Seriphos to confront Polydectes. At a banquet, the old man reveals that he has already married Perseus' mother, Danaë, that morning. Medusa prompts Perseus to use her former head to turn him, and the lords and guards, into stone. Danaë would go on to marry the man she wished and Perseus and Medusa would continue their adventures in the struggle of Athena and Poseidon.
Perseus' rowboat reached the shore of the island. The rowers were hardened sailors but even they knew better than to tread the Isle of Hera and they immediately rowed back to the ship to wait for Perseus to finish his business on the island. The young man watched them skate across the still waters of the ocean before he turned his attention inland. The shore was a pebbled beach, which crunched noisily beneath his calfskin boots, but the interior of the island was entirely raised, deterring intrusion.
With no other option, Perseus began to scale the steep, though short, cliff. The weather of this northern island was far colder than the climes of the Mediterranean that he was used to. It had taken him months to sail from the islands of Greece, past Italy, Iberia and Northern Africa. Somewhere between the land of Gaul and the island of Britannia he found the Isle of Hera in its cold, wet and fertile element.
When he reached the top he scrambled onto the lush grass and beheld the marvellous spectacle of a magical forest of unnatural colours, lights and life. Pixies chittered as they buzzed around his head and tried to pull his brown hair before he wafted his hand at them and they flew away. A butterfly, larger than a bird, lazily sailed the wind before it then landed, heavily, on a pink-coloured daffodil. From the trees hung golden apples, silver apples and the oh-so-rare green apples. He thought it strange that the most common apple in the rest of Europe was the rarest apple here.
As he ventured forth he heard the lilting voice of a woman singing. Further still and he was certain that other women were singing the same song in perfect unison, but separated across the island. The volume of one singer grew louder as he tried to find her. Eventually he pushed past a bush of wiggling, dancing leaves and found a woman digging in the soil. She was on her knees and used her bare hands to pull at the rich earth. An uprooted shrubbery was laying beside her, evidently ready to be replanted. As she sang and worked she glanced up at him but didn't seem to be surprised or even interested by the stranger's presence.
Perseus: "Good day. Are you one of the hesperides?"
She paused her song and, he noticed, so did every other woman on the island - replacing the song with the mere sounds of the magical forest, which seemed even to have grown more hushed.
Woman: "I am Ægle and I am one of the hesperides."
Her skin was exceptionally pale. Not in the typical white European way, but in the whiteness of snow. He might have thought her dead had she not been so animated and well-looking. Her hair was sky blue and extremely long, reaching so far as her ankles. She kept it in a very loose plait over one shoulder. He had known the hesperides weren't human but he hadn't expected an anime character.
He then considered what anime was before being snapped back to reality.
Ægle: "What brings you to the Garden of Hera?"
Perseus: "Oh right. Yeah. I seek the means to defeat the dreaded Medusa!!"
The woman looks at him as though he had just drooled on himself.
Ægle: "And you came to an apple garden for that?"
Perseus: "Uh... well..."
Ægle: "You know that's all we do, right? We garden stuff? We tend to the apple trees, the flowers, the turnips... which are surprisingly sentient."
Perseus: "Well... yes... but... I, uh... It seemed like the right idea at the time?"
She raised an eyebrow at him, suggesting that this was not an adequate excuse.
Perseus: "Look! I had to steal an eye to find this bloody place! Those creepy witches shared a single eye, bugger knows why, and I had to touch it! With my bare hands!"
Perseus: "It was gross! Like, really, really, really gross. So I think you owe me."
Ægle tutted and rolled her eyes as she then picked up the shrub and put it into the hole she had dug. Somehow her hands were totally clean.
Ægle: "Heroes. They hear somewhere is magic, with magical women in it and think, 'Hey! I bet they can give me magical stuff! Like a sword or something!'"
She patted her fingers and thumb together mimicking the mouth of said heroes and put on a deeper, and dumber, voice.
Ægle: "'I'm Perseus and I heard you're magic and you have magic things and I need magic things to kill some innocent creature that is minding its own business.'"
Perseus: "Wha-? No! Medusa is really bad! She kills people! Plus there's this guy who is holding a great party that I want to go to but he said if I want to go then I have to bring back Medusa's head."
Ægle frowned at him.
Perseus: "And he wants to marry my mother but I don't want him to."
The frown deepened.
Perseus: "Look, I'm a Greek hero. These stories don't make a whole of lot sense at the best of times. Can you please just give me a magical sword or axe or something I can lop off the evil snake-woman's head?"
Ægle: "You know know who Medusa really is?"
Perseus: "Well, no."
Ægle: "She was once one of the most beautiful sisters in all of Greece and had hair of gold that--"
Perseus: "Actually, you know what? I don't really need her backstory to kill her. Just the sword."
Ægle sighed with exasperation.
Perseus: "Or axe."
Ægle finished filling in the soil and got to her feet.
Perseus: "Or a machine gun."
Ægle pointed behind Perseus and he turned to see another woman standing there. She has long, curled, dark hair and a fierce look in her eyes. That fierceness is backed up by the spear she leant on. Light blasted from behind her, but from no discernable source.
Athena: "Perseus! I am Athena!"
Perseus: "Wow! Are we going to have babies?"
The light instantly dimmed and Athena looked at him with bafflement.
Athena: "What!? Why would you think that!?"
Perseus: "I thought that was what gods usually did when they appear to mortals?"
Athena: "Our god-damn father might do that, but not me!"
Perseus: "God-damn...? Does that mean he damns himself?"
Athena: "On second thoughts, I am not going to help you. You are clearly too much of a retard to be trusted with magical weapons. This is why we need gun control. To stop morons like you."
Perseus: "Gun control? So I can't have my machine gun? Or was this some future political joke I can't possibly understand?"
Athena: "Stop! Stop talking!"
Athena: "Good. Okay--"
Perseus: "Hey! Are you my sister!?"
Athena: "Urgh! Unfortunately yes, I suppose so. Only I am a god and you are a meff."
Perseus: "... is a meff a kind of half-god?"
Athena: "Please, for the love of god, stop talking!"
Perseus: "You love Zeus? That's nice. I don't really know him."
Athena clutched at her face.
Perseus: "Apparently he got my mother pregnant when he turned into a golden shower. I always thought that was literally what happened, but my friends told me golden shower is when you pee on someone during sex. Is that true? Did Zeus pee on my mum?"
Athena started to cry.
Athena: "All I want is to have some serious narrative in my life. Is that so much to ask? The only serious narrative I've ever had was the last post and I was really mean. And now I try to strive for something important and I get lumbered with this stupid dialogue and a prat to put up with. It's just not fair!"
Perseus patted his half-sister on the shoulder.
Perseus: "There, there. You'll feel better if you give me some cool weapons."
She dried her eyes.
Athena: "Actually. That might be true. Lets break out the machine guns."
Ægle: "My lady Athena, I don't think machine guns are appropriate."
Perseus: "Awwwww, spoil sport!"
Athena: "Okay. Fine. Here. Our father's sword. Harpē. It is the sword of betrayal and in this quest it is most fitting. For the betrayal of Medusa's faith in the gods, and even in my own betrayal of her trust in me. I was wrong to spite her and her sisters. I did them a great disservice and you shall be my atonement. Slaying Medusa will set her free of the torment I have placed upon her and, I hope, redeem us both."
Despite the passion behind Athena's words, Perseus wasn't listening and was, instead, trying to challenge Ægle to a duel to the death. Ægle smacked him with a twig and he flung himself onto the floor crying foul.
Athena: "Maybe I should find another hero... there's that Hercules guy..."
Perseus: "I got this! I'll totally cut down the vile demon and save the girl!"
Athena: "Actually, there's no girl that needs saving."
Perseus: "What!? But there's always a girl that needs saving!"
Athena just shook her head.
Athena: "I'm sure you'll find a woman, somewhere, somehow, to save. But for now. Slay Medusa. Here, I shall also give you this polished shield."
He looked at the shield.
Perseus: "Um. What does it do?"
Athena: "What do you think it does? Its a shield. What do shields do?"
Perseus: "Yeah, but how will it help me defeat Medusa?"
Athena: "It is highly polished so that you can look at her without turning to stone."
Perseus: "Oh. Is that it?"
Athena: "What do you mean 'is that it'!?"
Perseus: "Well, it's just polished. I mean, I could have polished it myself! Or I could have paid someone else to polish it anyway."
Athena: "... you know what? Yes. It's magically polished. How's that? Magical polishing."
Perseus looked at the hat. It was made of cotton and wouldn't do much for protecting from a sword stroke. It was all white on one side, but the other side had a series of red-and-white stripes and a blue box filled with stars. Amidst it all was a ball with red stitching. Perseus read the words on the front (even though English hadn't been invented yet).
Athena: "Uh. Well. It's supposed to disguise itself to appear as a familiar object in whatever era it appears in but it seems to have gotten stuck in the twentieth century. But I think it looks good like that!"
Perseus: "Can't you give me your helmet? It looks like it could withstand a blow to the head. This thing won't save me from a twig even."
Ægle waved her twig at him aggressively.
Athena: "No you bloody can't. This is my helmet. I was nice enough to give you that one. If you don't like it, you can give it back."
Perseus: "Fiiiiiiiiiiiine. I'll take it. But if I get my skull caved in, I'll come back and haunt you."
Athena: "Dude! You'll be invisible! No one can see you so they can't attack your head!"
Perseus: "Good point! Hey this hat is awesome!"
He put it on.
Ægle: "It works. I can't see you."
Perseus grinned with all of the inner evil that a young man has when it comes to sexual desire. He crept up to Athena, hands outstretched in groping motion.
Athena: "I am a god. I can still see you. Asshole."
Perseus: "Uh. I was... just going to grope-- I mean feel, feel your-- dress."
Athena: "Toga. We're Greeks, remember?"
Perseus: "Yes. It is a nice toga."
Athena: "And I'm your sister, remember?"
Perseus: "Oh right! I forgot."
Athena reached out and nudged him away with her palm to his face.
Perseus: "Isn't our father married to his sister?"
Athena: "Stop talking!"
Athena: "Go and do your quest."
Ægle: "Good luck!"
Ægle: "You're gonna need it."
And so, the brave, albeit stupid, Perseus set out, once again, on his adventure. He sailed from the Isle of Hera, otherwise known as the Isle of Apples, made entirely of magic. As they sailed away the island faded into invisibility, concealed from the eyes of men and maintained by the magic of the hesperides on behalf of Hera. He wondered if Hera could be considered his step-mother but even as he thought about her, he felt the rage at his mere existence from the god who was, quite understandably, pissed with her husband constantly shagging other women and getting them pregnant. And impregnating a woman by peeing on her is just wrong in Hera's book.
Once back in Greece, Perseus uncovered the cave in which the Gorgons lived and lured the vile rapists, murderers and thieves of Athens. And the occasional hapless hero that thinks he's the good guy but is actually a stupid bastard.
Perseus: "Why do I feel like I was just insulted?"
He clamped his hand over his mouth, realising that his voice would echo through the cave and alert the Gorgons to his presence. Which it does. Hissing could be heard all through the cave system and Perseus was quick to don the cap of invisibility and hoped whatever god New York Yankees was would watch over him. Maybe it was one of those foreign gods. Either way, a god at his back, on on his head in this case, would ease his tension.
The hissing grew ever louder as he crept through the caves. Then he saw one of the Gorgons.
A fierce battle ensued that I don't feel like narrating right now.
Al Ciao the Writer: "That's right! Give in to my ways!"
Britt the Writer is under a trance of Al Ciao the Writer to make him as lazy as Al Ciao the Writer is.
And Perseus, with Harpē, sliced off the Gorgon's head. It splattered to the ground.
Perseus looked down at it.
Perseus: "Come to think of it. How do I know this is the right Gorgon?"
... For the sake of argument, let's just say it is.
The body of Medusa slumped over. But then it burst in an explosion of colourful lights like a disco and in its place stood a tall, white pegasus. Medusa, freed from her monstrous visage, was now a graceful, winged horse.
Medusa: "Oh great. Not a human again, but a bloody horse."
Perseus: "Wow! A talking horse!"
Medusa: "You just saw me as a snake-woman, explode and turn into a horse... and it's the talking that surprises you?"
You're not a horse. You're a pegasus.
Medusa: "Stop talking to me, Narrator."
Perseus: "Actually, my name's Perseus. Can I ride you!?"
Medusa: "Oh great. Now I'm reduced to a beast of burden. Thanks Writers. Thanks."
Britt the Writer: "Hey, this is all a lot nicer than the original source material, you know? There, you're just dead. And a head to show to people."
Medusa looked down to see her own, former, head lying on the floor.
Perseus: "Yes! I can use this to turn Polydectes into stone!"
Medusa: "Oi! That's my head! You don't get to just-- oi! Don't pick it up! Are you listening to me?"
Perseus hoists the head and tied it to his belt in a sack.
Medusa: "This is very disrespectful to the dead."
Perseus: "But you're not dead."
Medusa: "Well, actually, I sort of am. You see my head? This is all an allegory, don't you see that? I am reborn, you see? Free from my hatred and now I'm all nice and shit."
Perseus: "Yeah, sure, whatever. Let's go and kill Polydectes!"
Medusa: "Wha-!? Why!? Why are we killing some dude I don't even know!?"
Perseus: "Oh. He wants to marry my mother."
Medusa: "... and this means he has to die why?"
Perseus: "Because... well, because he's a bit of a douche. I just don't like him."
Medusa: "What did your mother say?"
Perseus: "... I don't know. I didn't ask her."
Medusa: "Dude! You're a twat!"
Perseus: "This is ancient Greece! Men get to decide these thin--ACK!"
Medusa's hooves hit home and Perseus was whacked off his feet and cracked into the wall.
Perseus: "... did... did I mention he was the one who... ouch... asked me to kill you?"
Medusa: "... that bastard! Okay fine. We kill him."
Medusa: "I hope it hurts for a long time. Wait, why did you agree to kill me if you don't like him?"
Perseus: "Well... now... hear me out, okay?"
Medusa: "I have known you for just a short time and I have a feeling I'm going to be pissed at this explanation."
Perseus: "There is going to be this bitchin' party that Polydectes is going to hold and everyone has to bring a gift. Because I have nothing I said I'd promise to do whatever he asked of me and I'd do it. He said I had to kill you and only then could I go to the party."
A moment later and Perseus was kicked by rear hooves again. It was some time before Perseus was able to slowly drag himself towards the exit of the cave. But when they reached it there was a sudden screech of horror and lamentation. The other Gorgons appeared. Despite their monstrous visage, Perseus could see the tears on their faces.
Stheno: "You murdered our sister!
Euryale: "We will feast on your entrails in revenge!!"
Stheno: "... well, I don't know about going that far, Euryale. I mean, cannibalism?"
Euryale: "We're not humans anymore!"
Stheno: "Yeah but... I mean that's still pretty... ew. Can't we just kill him and eat, you know, beef or something? I love a good bit of bacon."
Euryale: "But if we eat him, then we get to poop him out later! That'd be real vengeance!"
Stheno: "Whoa! Sis! Jesus! Where does your mind go!?"
Perseus: "Wait, wait. Who is Jesus? Is she another one of you Gorgon things?"
Medusa: "Guys, guys. It's okay! I'm here! I'm a pony now!"
You're a pegasus! Have some respect!
Stheno: "Is that a talking horse?"
Euryale: "We can eat the horse right!?"
Stheno: "Sure! We're Europeans! Horse meat is a-okay!"
Medusa: "Wait! Wait!"
As the two Gorgon sisters run towards them, Perseus suddenly whipped out a machine gun and blasted bullet after bullet into the snake-monsters. When the smoke cleared, the Gorgons fell down dead.
Medusa: "What... in the name... of fuck?"
Perseus: "When Ægle wasn't looking, Athena slipped this bad boy to me! Isn't it awesome!? Athena's my sister, by the way! Apparently that makes me a meff!"
Medusa: "I-- you killed my sisters!!! You---!!!"
For a moment, the pegasus' eyes flashed like a snake's but before the old hatred transformed her, once again, into the monster there was a blinding light of colours like a Gay Pride march[Ext 2]. The two sisters were alive again, as the two beautiful women they had once been.
Stheno: "Oh wow!"
Medusa: "Oh. You knew they would come back like I did."
Perseus: "Uh... yeah. Totally. Totally knew that would happen."
Euryale: "I guess this means we really can't eat people now."
Stheno: "No! No eating people!"
Medusa: "Hey! Wait a minute, why do they get to be humans again but I'm a frickin' horse!?"
Medusa: "I want to be human too! Turn me back! Oi, retard, kill me again!"
Perseus: "Uh, yeah, even I know that probably wouldn't work. Pretty sure you'd just be dead then."
Stheno: "Honestly, sister, this is probably part of your atonement."
Medusa: "Atonement for what!?"
Euryale: "You were always kind of an arrogant pain in the arse."
Medusa: "Wha-!? So I was a bit... vain. Fine. Sure. I was smokin' hot! Doesn't mean I should get punished for it!"
Euryale: "Medusa, we were turned into monster snakes because we told Athena to fuck off. Since when are the gods fair?"
Medusa: "God damn it!"
Perseus: "Yeah, Zeus seems to damn a lot of things."
Medusa: "Okay. Fine. Let's kill the creep who's trying to get into your mum's knickers. Maybe if I do enough good things, I get to be human again."
Medusa: "To be fair though, I am a gorgeous looking horse, aren't I? You won't find a better looking horse in all of Greece, am I right!?"
Perseus: "Yeah! Because other horses aren't a pegasus!"
And so Perseus rode the pegasus to his island home of Seriphos. Albeit after a lot of bargaining, begging and praise from Perseus to Medusa who didn't want to have a man sitting on her back. They came down to land in the atrium of Polydectes' palace.
Medusa: "Whoa. You didn't tell me this dude was rich!"
Perseus: "Yeah. He's the king of this land actually."
Medusa: "Uh. I thought Polydectes was the brother of your adoptive father?"
Perseus: "Yes he is."
Medusa: "But you also said your father was a fisherman?"
Perseus: "Yes he was."
Medusa: "Why is the king's brother a bloody fisherman!!?"
Perseus: "You know, I never really thought about it much..."
Medusa: "Why am I questioning this? This whole quest of yours is just fucked up anyway. Let's kill the old codger and get your mother."
They burst into the main hall of the palace where they find the lords and ladies of the island. Sitting at the far end of the banquet table was Polydectes himself. A guy whose name the Writer of this post must constantly look up because it's a pain in the arse to spell. Honestly, why couldn't he just be called Dave or something?
Polydectes: "My name is not Dave!"
Everyone looked at him.
Polydectes: "Uh... just... making sure you all knew that. My name is not Dave. It is also not Steve. Nor Jacob. Nor Barney. Nor Fr--"
Danaë: "Yes. We know your name."
The woman was brown-haired and olive skinned with a toga of blue and white and she kept her hair held up. She looked surprisingly young to be the mother of a man in his late teens.
Medusa: "Whoa. How old were you when Zeus peed on you!?"
Danaë: "Wha--!? Zeus did not pee on me!!! He turned himself into a golden shower and-- it wasn't pee!!"
Everyone was snickering at the table.
Polydectes: "Well, tonight, it will be my turn to pee on you!"
The old man grinned, though his mouth was missing many of the teeth that should have been there. Some had been replaced with wooden ones.
Danaë: "I refuse!"
Polydectes: "You're my wife and you'll obey me!"
The old man leaned on the table. His stick-thin arms casually propped up his chin.
Polydectes: "Oh. I'm so sorry, young man, you missed out of the ceremony! This morning we were wed and tonight will be our consummation."
Medusa: "I don't think peeing on someone counts as consummation."
Polydectes: "We'll do more than peeing!!"
Medusa: "You don't mean-- you're going to shi--"
Perseus: "I think he means sex."
Medusa: "Oh. Oh thank Jesus."
Perseus: "You keep talking about this other sister of yours, do we need to go free her too?"
Polydectes: "Guards! Arrest Perseus and his horse!"
Perseus: "She's a pegasus!"
Medusa: "And I kick really hard!"
Medusa's wings spread out and whipped the guards who stumbled back but pointed their swords.
Perseus: "Don't worry mother! I'll protect you!"
Medusa: "Actually, no! I will! Perseus! Give me my head!"
Danaë: "By the gods! Perseus! Did that horse just ask you to give it oral sex!?"
Medusa: "Whoa! Whoa! Jesus Christ, this post is sickening! First there's pissing on people--"
Danaë: "It wasn't piss!"
Medusa: "Perseus tried to grope his sister."
Danaë: "What sister!?"
Medusa: "I got my head cut off, my sisters were shot to death, there's an evil, forced wedding and now you're talking about sucking off a horse. What in the name of Christ is going on!?"
Perseus: "Okay, seriously, I know your other two sisters."
Medusa: "Besides!! I ain't no man! I got breasts!!"
There's a silence.
Medusa: "Yes, even horses have breasts. I know you can't see. Just assume they're there. I am a woman. And I will save the day!"
Perseus yanked Medusa's head from the sack and held it up to the pegasus. There's a long pause.
Medusa: "Okay. You hold me up to face the guy. I got hooves. Plus, I might have some existential crisis if I hold my own head."
Perseus turned the head on Polydectes. The eyes opened and the snakes sprang to life. The old man was then locked into a permanent state of shock as his body petrified into grey stone, still seated at the table.
Medusa: "Booyah! Medusa strikes!"
Danaë: "Wow. Well that takes a load off my mind."
Medusa: "You know, you should have just kicked him in the balls."
Danaë: "I couldn't! I was forced into it by the guards and all these lords!"
The guardsmen shrank back, as did all of the lords at the table.
Medusa: "I think a bit more Medusa-induced vengeance is in store, Percy."
He looked at Medusa's equine face.
Perseus: "I kind of love that name!"
Medusa: "Damn right you do."
And so all of the lords and ladies that helped Polydectes in his evil schemes were brought to a stony justice. The palace was later opened as a museum and the statues were a centre-piece with the artist credited as 'Medusa'. Danaë went on to marry the man she wanted to marry and her son had absolutely no say in the matter whatsoever, which he came to accept and understand that it was unfair to treat women as less than men. Percy and Medusa the Pegasus would go on for further adventures and find themselves embroiled further in the struggle between Athena and Poseidon.
"This post is very loosely based on the original story of Perseus[Ext 3] and Medusa[Ext 4] and a great amount of liberty taken. Because Pegasus[Ext 5] is often used as a species rather than the name of the specific winged-horse in the original tales, I brought back Medusa as a pegasus to not only lessen the sour deal she was dealt in the original narrative but also lighten the mood of the story. The Helm of Hades[Ext 6] as a New York Yankees[Ext 1] hat is based on the object within the Percy Jackson & the Olympians[Ext 7] books franchise. The idea of the hat disguising itself in an era but being stuck on one specific look is a reference to the TARDIS[Ext 8] from Doctor Who[Ext 9]." ~ Britt the Writer
- ↑ 1.0 1.1 New York Yankees article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Pride Parade article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Perseus article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Medusa article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Pegasus article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Cap of Invisibility article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Percy Jackson & the Olympians article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ TARDIS article, Wikipedia.
- ↑ Doctor Who article, Wikipedia.