Leg Post 4 continues the adventures of King Arthur's Camelot Crew aboard the Outpost Finagle after Pan Post 158. Queen Guinevere and Queen Iseult are hostages to King Caradoc and his mercenary knights and they are taken to the Tower of Observance where guests of the outpost may view various galaxies from across the current universe - that being the NeSiverse. King Caradoc kicks cats out of his way, which provokes an attack from Iseult that results in both women being bound and Iseult being gagged. To the rescue comes Sir Lancelot, Sir Palamedes and several knights of the round table. They must use the lift to reach the hostages but they're nervous about the strange contraption. When inside it Sir Robin Dagonet starts bouncing around, which sparks horror in the other knights. Sir Aggravain wonders if the cats of the tower may be Aes Sidhe Witches but they quickly learn that they are not. The knights reach the upper floors and defeat the mercenaries. King Caradoc threatens to kill Guinevere but while he is distracted, Lancelot kills the king with Arondight. Lancelot confesses he couldn't allow anything to happen to Guinevere.


The Rescue

The Outpost Finagle is a mega-construct designed specifically to cater to entertainment and pleasurable activities to species and races from across the entire Multiverse. It is a miss-matched colossal station that looks like several people all had their very own ideas on how it should look and then stuck it all together with duct tape. Casinos, shopping centres, pleasure domes, arenas, brothels, parks and even religious entertainment. Jutting out from one of the more spherical hotels is a long, phallic cylinder with a domed tip. Entirely matt black, the Tower of Observance was created to allow station guests to relax and observe the wonders of the universe. Inside, each level is devoted to views of various galaxies from the current universe - this time it's the NeSiverse. The largest view is always the galaxy view, displaying the immensity of the cosmos in all its splendour.

Plus there are cats. Thousands of cats. Someone decided that the majority of known species in the world find cats to be cute and so they installed droid cats into the tower. They're robotic so that they don't go potty everywhere but they're real enough that most wouldn't notice any difference.

A group of Medieval era humans are bustling their way through the tower, shoving people out of the way. Leading the small troupe is King Caradoc. He was once the ruler of Gwent in Wales but since then he joined King Arthur on their quest to colonise the stars of the galaxy. Having become disillusioned with Arthur's vision and intent on forcing his own opinions upon Space Britain he has taken Arthur's wife, Queen Guinevere, as hostage. He wound up with Queen Iseult in the mix, which he takes as a good omen. His knights are actually just mercenaries, paid with the best coin in the realm.

A black and white cat dares to tread in his path and mewls at him.

He punts it.

The cat screeches and flies off.

Queen Iseult: "Unbelievable! You kicked a kitten!"

King Caradoc: "It was an adult, not a kitten."

Queen Iseult: "It was a little baby! And you kicked it!"

King Caradoc: "It was in my way!"

Queen Guinevere: "If you saw it was a kitten, wouldn't you have kicked it anyway?"

King Caradoc: "... Yeah. Definitely."

Queen Iseult: "Kitten-Kicking bastard!"

King Caradoc: "It shouldn't have gotten in my way! If it stayed over there I wouldn't need to kick the fuzzy-fucker."

Queen Iseult: "You're a dishonourable wretch!"

King Caradoc: "Honour is just the control system by which Arthur keeps people in check."

Queen Guinevere: "How deep."

King Caradoc: "Thank you! Now- GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU FUZZY-!!"

He punts another cat, this one a tabby[Ext 1], across the room.

Queen Guinevere: "Do you steal candy from babies too?"

King Caradoc: "If a baby was in my path, I'd do a lot worse than steal its candy."

Queen Iseult: "Evil Baby-Kicker!"

King Caradoc: "I'm not evil! Evil would be if I go out of my way to kick babies and kittens. I just kick those in my way."

Queen Guinevere: "I don't think being a selfish psychopath puts you in a better light."

King Caradoc: "Bah!"

Queen Iseult: "If you kick just one more kitten I'm gonna-!"

They pause as said kitten walks into his path. He looks at Iseult, then at the kitten. He swings back his leg.

Queen Iseult: "SAVE YOURSELF KITTY!!!"

The Scottish-Irish born queen leaps at Caradoc, her nails geared for maximum damage. The fluffy white cat jumps aside in panic at the sudden commotion and the mercenaries try to pry the vengeful queen off of their employer.

After news finally spread to the knights of the round table, those in proximity are ready for action at the gates of... well the pretty tower with its shiny lights. They can see it rise up into space beyond the large, opaque ceiling like a big, black... tower. What did you think I was going to say!? Filthy mind.

Sir Lancelot du Lac is the bravest of all the knights though, surprisingly, not the most stupid. That title is undoubtedly reserved for Sir Robin Dagonet, who is little more than the court jester. Sir Robin is licking one of the windows.

Sir Robin: "Tastes like... glass!"

Sir Lancelot: "No time for window-licking, Sir Robin! We have a princess-- Uh, queen to save!"

Sir Palamedes, a knight in literally shining armour, stands tall and proud and eager for adventure. Sir Robin pulls himself from the window and rushes through the gate at break-neck speed. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you look at it, he doesn't break said neck.

Sir Lancelot: "Good Sir Robin. Ever fearless despite the crazy dangers he faces."

Sir Aggravain: "It is definitely not bravery you're seeing, Lancelot."

Sir Aggravain is the tallest of all the knights and built like a wall. Over the years he has grown himself a fearsome beard that makes him look like a Viking warrior, especially when he wears his horned helmet. He is best described as a loyal soldier and a man of great pride in his role as protector of the people.

Sir Lancelot: "Come, brave knights, let us save the day!" ::history::

They charge in after Sir Robin to find an empty, circular room full of cats.

They pause in confusion, having expected traps and trolls not cats and stars.

Sir Palamedes: "Did the cats kidnap the queen?"

Sir Lancelot: "I don't think so..."

Sir Robin jumps on one of the cats.

Sir Robin: "Foul beast! What did you do to our queen!!"

The cat purrs.

Sir Palamedes: "I think it likes you, Sir Robin."

Sir Robin: "You think you can trick me with your sorcery, villain!?"

He looks straight into its cute eyes.

Sir Robin: "My God, what magic is this!? I'm paralysed! I cannot act against the beast!!"

They had already seen most of the guests leave the tower, either because they didn't want to get involved with a crazy cat-kicking maniac or because it's late at night and time for beddy bo-bos.

Sir Lancelot: "Of course, they must be at the top of the tower! It's only fitting an arch-villain would be there!"

Sir Aggravain: "Since they're obviously not down here, we'll go with that theory."

Sir Palamedes: "But... where are the stairs!?"

They look around in horror. Then Lancelot espies a door.

Sir Lancelot: "Aha! They have those magical carriages to go up and down!"

The Medieval knights huddle around the lift door and stare at it intently.

Sir Aggravain: "How do we call it?"

A thoughtful pause.

Sir Palamedes: "Oi! Magical carriage thing! Open up!"

Nothing happens.

Sir Lancelot: "I think it might be this..."

He puts his palm on the panel beside the lift and buttons for up and down both light up. How inconsiderate.

The doors swish open, startling Palamedes who then looks abashed by his cowardice as the others frown at him. Lancelot braves the first step into the 'carriage' and the other men follow him. They all stand there as the doors close and they wait.

Sir Aggravain: "Nothing is happening..."

Sir Palamedes: "There's more of those glowing things. Except they're not going now."

Sir Lancelot pushes one of the buttons and it lights up. The lift starts to ascend. All of the knights subconsciously edge towards the walls of the lift and hold it with their palms, backs up against it.

Sir Robin: "This is weird!"

He bounces in the middle of the lift and the whole thing shudders, much to the horror of the others.

Sir Aggravain: "Don't do that!"

Sir Robin: "This?"

He jumps and slams down again.

Sir Lancelot: "Are you trying to kill us all, Robin!?"

Sir Robin: "It's okay! It's safe as houses!"

Sir Lancelot: "Your house isn't safe!"

Palamedes screams like a little girl as Lancelot grabs Robin and tries to hold him still. Aggravain bangs on the lift door for escape. The commotion continues until, finally, the doors open and they all jump out of the lift for their lives. They lie in a pile of men and armour until they hear the lift doors swish closed again.

They get up and attempt to restore their pride.

Sir Aggravain: "I think we handled that well."

Sir Lancelot: "Sure. Piece of cake."

Sir Palamedes: "I... wouldn't mind a piece of cake about now. Not that I need cheering up or anything!"

Cats swarm around their feet and mewl.

Sir Robin: "It's licking me! Such a sinister spell!"

Sir Aggravain reaches down and picks one of them up.

Sir Aggravain: "They could be a whole pack of Aes Sidhe Witches?"

He holds the British Shorthair[Ext 2] cat aloft and looks straight at its eyes.

Sir Aggravain: "Do you know where they took the queen?"

The cat stares placidly.

Sir Aggravain: "Tell me!"

The cat mewls.

Sir Lancelot: "I think it's just a cat..."

Sir Aggravain: "I think you might be right..."

He puts the cat down awkwardly, trying to retain his dignity.

They gaze around the circular room and observe the galaxy on display. A big 'You Are Here' is marked on the area of the galaxy named the Perseus Arm. Then there are pictures of 'landmarks' and they see a few planets of interest such as Terra Flux, otherwise known as Coruscant, a planet named Indra where there are some beautiful sights to be had, the planet Tangris where there are other knights and a planet called Fart. The last one doesn't seem all that appealing to the humans but there are some species in the Multiverse that enjoy such... things. It's one of the favourite relaxation worlds of someone called The Big O, according to the info panel.

Sir Palamedes: "So I guess they must be on another floor?"

They all turn to look at the lift again, with trepidation.

King Caradoc has bound the two women and gagged Iseult to boot. She glowers at him every time a cat nears him.

King Caradoc: "Now we wait. Arthur will surely arrive and then I threaten to lop off his wife's head or he gives in to my demands."

Queen Guinevere: "What makes you think Arthur will give in just for me?"

King Caradoc: "Your sister already told us this is the best way to force his hand. He will do anything to keep you safe."

Queen Guinevere: "I should have known Guinevak would be the one to plant this into your head..."

The lift gives a chirpy 'bing' and then the doors slide open. Knights rocket out of the lift, screaming like girls until they see the mercenary knights. Suddenly squeals of terror morph into roars of fury and they go on the offensive. The mercenaries step up to defend themselves while Caradoc puts a knife upon Guinevere's neck. His soldiers are dead quickly and he is left with nothing but murder to keep him safe.

King Caradoc: "I'll do it! Bring Arthur here now!"

Sir Lancelot is hesitant, while the other knights appear confident.

Sir Palamedes: "Don't worry, fair queen, we won't let him harm you!"

Queen Guinevere: "He won't harm me anyway."

King Caradoc: "Don't be too sure about that."

Queen Guinevere: "If you killed me, who would protect you from them?"

The knights brandish their weapons.

King Caradoc: "They value your life too much to risk it. They'd rather give in then let you die. Besides, I have the cat-lover as backup. If I kill you, they'll know I'm being s--"

He's suddenly, and unexpectedly, impaled by Lancelot's sword. He strikes with such incredibly accuracy that Arondight thrust straight through the Welsh king's throat. He falls forward, burying Guinevere in his greasy fur-coat. The men pull the dead king off of their queen and cut her bonds. After checking over Guinevere with far too much fuss, they remember Iseult and free her as an after-thought. Iseult gives Sir Aggravain a shove for not treating her as importantly as they did the other queen.

Queen Iseult: "Ye bastards."

Queen Guinevere: "They was quite a risk, Sir Lancelot..."

Sir Lancelot: "He was distracted and I... I couldn't let anything happen to you, my lady."

The lift doors open again and this time a bunch of security droids wheel into the room.

Security Droid: "Alright, what 'ave we 'ere then!?"


External References

  1. Tabby Cat article, Wikipedia.
  2. British Shorthair article, Wikipedia.
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