Leg Post 15 sees the Knights of the Round Table, minus the injured, traversing through the Dread Fortress. They are still led by the Soothsayer but as they go they become embroiled in a conversation about underwear, prompted by the quest given to Sir Palamedes by Sir Caelia to retrieve the underwear of Morganna le Fay in Pan Post 157. Even the knights that tried to avoid the conversation were tricked into it by Sir Kay. The Soothsayer gets King Arthur to slay the last of the Dread Masters easily before they find the Sith Emperor. Before they could fight, the emperor seems to die and so does the Soothsayer. It become apparent that the Soothsayer, named Kapil Anniruddha, has transferred his consciousness from the Soothsayer body to that of the Sith Emperor. From his old body he retrieves a mysterious orb and reveals to the knights that he wishes to use the emperor's funding not to attack the Old Republic but to open a donkey sanctuary. He decides to go and build it on Earth. The knights, now victorious, go off to celebrate.
The Sith Emperor
Characters: King Arthur | Sir Lancelot | Sir Galahad | Sir Kay | Sir Bedivere | Sir Gawain | Sir Bors | Sir Palamedes | Sir Calogrevance Sir Aggravain | Sir Tristram | Sir Caelia | Newrias Soothsayer | Dread Master | Sith Emperor
King Arthur, king of Space Britain, marched at the head of his knights. The enemy forces retreated inside the Dread Fortress, which gave Arthur's army time to regroup and recoup from their fatigue. Those with injuries were taken out of the fray and were already on their way back to Camelot where they would be tended by the doctors under the guidance of Merlin the Younger. Her many potions and ointments would be in high demand but it was clear that many would be left with scars and battle wounds following the conclusion. Morganna le Fay refused to partake in the final push and, instead, she went back to Camelot with her wounded son.
Despite the losses, morale was high for the knights as they ventured forth into the dark fortress corridors. Excalibur glowed brilliantly and illuminated their path. There was no sight nor sound of the enemy. Knights burst into rooms to explore for hidden foes but consistently came up empty handed. The knights grew tense as they pressed on and on. The fortress seemed to be built in the 'evil architecture' style popular with villains; gagged walls, spikes, gargoyles and smears of red. Arthur had to wonder what kind of people willingly came to such a life.
They ascended the spiral staircases to the upper floors, guided by the soothsayer.
King Arthur: "King Arthur."
Soothsayer: "Swing you sword hard in three seconds."
King Arthur: "What for?"
King Arthur: "This better be good."
Arthur swung his sword in a crescent. From behind a jutting wall leapt the final Dread Master who was instantly decapitated, much to his, and his executioner's, surprise. The knights all crammed back quickly, expected an explosion, but none came. It seemed the final one to die was the weakest one.
King Arthur: "Lucky that!"
The Soothsayer glowered at him and tapped his fingers on his parchment.
Soothsayer: "Not luck. Fate."
King Arthur: "Okay, okay. Fine. Well done, witch."
Soothsayer: "I am not-- urgh."
He soothsayer just folded his arms in unappreciated resignation.
Sir Kay: "So is that it? We win?"
Sir Caelia: "There's still the final Big Bad."
Sir Caelia: "What? Not that! I mean the Sith Emperor! It's one thing to have an imaginary sky daddy, but to have an imaginary earth uncle is just weird. You Christians have got some serious issues you need to work out. Were you touched by the priest, Lancelot?"
Sir Lancelot: "Heathen!"
King Arthur: "Leave the heathen alone, Lancelot. She's a nice heathen."
Sir Kay: "Niceness is definitely relative if we're calling Caelia nice."
Sir Caelia: "I'm nice!"
Sir Kay: "You convinced Palamedes to quest for Morgan's knickers."
Sir Palamedes: "The quest is still on! I haven't given up yet!"
Sir Caelia: "See? It makes him happy! That's how nice I am!"
Sir Bors: "Why on earth would you want Lady Morganna's underwear?"
Sir Caelia: "They're full of dark magic!"
The knights all nodded and hummed in acknowledgement.
Sir Galahad: "Then shouldn't we all go on this quest?"
Sir Caelia began sniggering to herself.
Sir Caelia: "I can just imagine Morgan's face when you all break down her door demanding her knickers."
King Arthur: "I vote that we stop talking about my sister's underwear."
Sir Gawain: "We're voting now!?"
Sir Bedivere: "Voting would be the end of civilisation!"
King Arthur: "Let me rephrase then. I command that we stop talking about my sister's underwear."
Sir Kay: "What about the other sister?"
Sir Gawain: "You mean my mother!?"
King Arthur: "Any sisters!"
Sir Kay: "Your brother's underwear?"
Sir Bors: "That's you!"
Sir Kay: "Oh yeah! Well, my underwear is--"
Sir Tristram: "We're in the middle of an dangerous fortress, with hidden enemies around every corner, a great and terrible emperor to defeat and we're talking about underwear. Is this necessary?"
Sir Kay: "I heard Saracens don't wear underwear."
Sir Tristram: "Of course we wear underwear!"
Sir Kay: "Welcome to the conversation, Tristram!"
Sir Tristram: "Fuq."
Soothsayer: "It's this way."
King Arthur: "Witch, you are the best for stopping that conversation dead."
Soothsayer: "I'm not a witch!"
Sir Bedivere: "Actually that could be confirmed by looking at his underwear, as we're on that topic. Boxershorts and he's not a witch."
Sir Caelia: "Does this mean he has to get naked?"
Sir Gawain: "You're married, Sir Caelia. Remember?"
Sir Caelia: "Ah, Sir Gawain. To be so young and innocent."
Soothsayer: "I am not taking my clothes off."
Sir Kay: "Read that in your destiny, did you?"
King Arthur: "I forbid you to take your clothes off."
Sir Kay: "Wow. That's real fortune telling right there."
Sir Aggravain: "I wish we could get to the fighting already. All this gossiping like old ladies is undignified."
Sir Kay: "I bet Aggravain has love hearts on his underwear."
Sir Aggravain: "I don't!"
Sir Kay: "Welcome to the conversation Sir Aggravain!"
Sir Aggravain: "Fuq."
Sir Palamedes: "I think pantless freedom is underrated."
Sir Caelia: "And he made the conversation a hundred times more weird."
King Arthur: "There's no pantless freedoms in my kingdom! In fact, from now on, you all wear pants at all times!"
Sir Kay: "In the shower?"
Sir Gawain: "What's a shower?"
Sir Kay: "Uh, bath."
King Arthur: "Yes."
Sir Kay: "What about on the toilet?"
King Arthur: "Yes!"
Sir Kay: "We're going to be the Knights of the Shitty Pants."
Arthur glanced at Sir Palamedes.
King Arthur: "That wasn't a serious command, Sir Palamedes. Please remember to take your pants off when on the toilet."
Sir Palamedes: "Oh good! Thank you, Sire!"
The knights suddenly piled into a large, spacious room with banners hanging from the walls and at the far end was a large, stone throne. On the throne is a big man wearing red and black with a long cape and a bushy beard. He slowly rose from his seat.
Sir Gawain: "The Big Bad!"
Sith Emperor: "And now you all DI---eeeeeeee!"
The man toppled forward and landed on his face. The knights stood and stared with mouth agape. It took a long moment for one of them to find his voice.
Sir Bors: "Uh. I think the Soothsayer is dead too."
Lying on the floor was the soothsayer, a knife in hand and blood gushing from the open wound on his neck. His eyes stare lifeless at the ceiling.
King Arthur: "Noooooooooo! Guy I didn't know the name of!!!"
Sith Emperor: "Kapil Anniruddha."
They looked up at the Sith Emperor, who was staggering to his feet.
Sith Emperor: "My name."
King Arthur: "I didn't ask your name, fiend! I meant the name of this witch!"
Kapil Anniruddha: "I'm not a witch! I mean. It's me. I'm in this body now."
Sir Gawain: "He really is a witch!"
Sir Lancelot: "Unnatural villain!"
The Sith Emperor waggled his hands to himself then started poking his face.
Kapil Anniruddha: "Just checking. It's always weird claiming a new body."
He marched across the room towards the knights. Instantly the knights are on edge and draw their weapons. The Soothsayer-turned-emperor stopped in his tracks and held his hands up.
Kapil Anniruddha: "Relax guys. I helped you get here, you think I'd challenge you now?"
Sir Bors: "So this was all some elaborate ruse? You brought us all the way here so you could take this man's body for yourself?"
Kapil paused. Then nodded.
Kapil Anniruddha: "Pretty much!"
He leaned towards his former body.
Kapil Anniruddha: "Just need to get something."
Sir Lancelot: "You want to loot the dead!?"
Kapil Anniruddha: "It's my body! It has my stuff!"
The man leaned over and rummaged through the clothes of the dead body.
Sir Kay: "Are we going to find out what underwear he wears after all?"
Kapil rolls his new eyes but then found what he wanted. He pulled out a small, glass orb. He gave it a quick shine and then slipped it into his new jacket pocket with a pat down. He drew a deep breath and bowed his head.
Kapil Anniruddha: "Thank you, Arthur. You and your knights have given me my new body."
King Arthur: "I better not have been paying you."
Kapil Anniruddha: "I think we can forego payments."
Sir Caelia: "We were kind of your bodyguards, so maybe you should be paying us."
Kapil Anniruddha: "Let's not lose focus here. What's important is that your quest is complete!"
Sir Kay: "It is? It kind of seems the Sith Emperor is alive and well."
Kapil Anniruddha: "Nope. He's dead. Only the body now remains and that body is mine. Don't you lot worry, I don't plan on attacking the Old Republic or anything. Now I have the resources to do what I've always wanted to do."
Sir Tristram: "Which is what?"
Kapil Anniruddha: "Open a donkey sanctuary!"
There was silence.
Sir Gawain: "Seriously dude?"
Sir Galahad: "What does dude mean?"
Sir Bedivere: "It means a person who lives in Sweden."
Sir Gawain: "It does? That was a bad choice of words then."
Kapil Anniruddha: What's Sweden? Maybe that's a good place for my donkey sanctuary!?"
Sir Aggravain: "A Swedish donkey sanctuary? I'm beginning to lose sight of what's going on."
King Arthur: "Me too. But I think it means we won."
Sir Palamedes: "We wwoooooooon! One nil! One nil!"
King Arthur: "We didn't win football!"
Sir Kay: "Does football exist in 500AD?"
King Arthur: "What're you talking about?"
Sir Kay: "Nevermind."
Kapil Anniruddha: "With my newfound resources I shall travel to your planet Earth and open my donkey sanctuary then! Thank you again Arthur. And your knights."
King Arthur: "If you're going back to Earth, maybe you can look in on my son and give him some tips for the future?"
King Arthur: "What!?"
Kapil Anniruddha: "Nevermind. I'll do as you ask!"
Newrias: "So what do we do now?"
Sir Calogrevance: "It is my speculation, my dear incongruous friend, that Space Britain shall be carousing at a soiree all evening long and likely extending into the small hours of the morning whereupon I expect to find everyone pantless and analysing their undergarments."